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Divorce

Remarrying First Spouse

October 24, 1985|VIRGINIA DOODY KLEIN

Question: I've married and divorced my ex-wife twice. We can't seem to settle our relationship once and for all. We are divorced, but she keeps calling and asking me to do things for her. Whenever I do go over to help her out, we usually end up in bed, which is great--so we stay together until she runs off with someone else or gets herself into debt. This is a crazy life. How can I break the pattern?

Answer: Good sex can have a powerful hold on people, making them stay in relationships that have no other redeeming qualities. Until you recognize this and understand how sex is used to manipulate you, the pattern will continue to repeat itself.

Q: Nicole has been divorced for six years. During that time she has primarily dated men in the same community. She's very liberated and has had affairs with many of these men. I met her a year ago and have been seeing her exclusively for almost eight months. My question is this: What chance do we have for a good marriage when many of her former lovers are friends, acquaintances or fellow club members of mine?

A: It depends on how you feel about her past. You've had eight months to sort out how you feel about her. If it hasn't bothered you up until now, I wouldn't worry about it.

Q: Three months ago my husband decided that our life was boring and started suggesting ways to liven it up. So far he's come up with watching porn movies with other couples, using drugs (pot/cocaine) and having a third person join us for sex. I can't believe this is happening to me; only sick people do things like that. My husband swears that if I don't change my mind he will find someone who will do these things with him. Do you think he really will leave me?

A: I don't know what he will do, but I do know that if you agree to behavior you feel is sick and shameful, resentment and guilt will build up until they destroy your self-respect and your marriage.

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