Purdon't. It's that simple. The No. 1 Boils own just one victory, a 20-3 decision over Ball State (the only university in the nation that offers a major in sporting goods equipment).
And next the Boils must face the hungry Mildcats of Northwestern (2-5). Oh well. At least Purdon't fans can count on Coach Leon Burtnett for entertainment with quotes like: "Our defense can't rest on its morals."
Certainly, Burtnett is more entertaining than Eastern bully Penn State, which triumphed in ho-hum fashion over yet another small-college opponent, No. 6 Alabumble (0-1, dating back to Oct. 25). Speaking of setbacks, the No. 13 University of Nevada at Circus Circus hopes to end its three-game losing streak when it hosts North Texas State on the green felt Saturday.
Still no word on how a computer hacker broke into the sophisticated Bottom Ten system last week and, as a senseless joke, listed Stanford as a rout-of-the-week pick over USC. The Trojans' merciless offense routed the Card, 10-0, as every Bottom Ten selector knew it would.
Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Purdon't (1-6) 3-37, Michigan St. Nrthwstrn 2. Tennessee (2-5) 13-14, Ga. Tech Idle 3. Syracuse (2-5) Def.Temple,27-24 Pitt 4. B.Bosworth (0-2) Mouth Idle Won't say 5. Cal (1-6) 16-33, Arizona Oregon 6.(Tie)Columbia(0-6) 8-54, Colgate Pepsodent Alabumble (7-1) 3-23, Penn State Ole Miss St. 8. Illinois (2-5) 9-15, Wisconsin Michigan 9. Duke (3-4) 19-27, Maryland Ga. Tech 10. Pentagon(15-21)* Sunk, 14-56 Classified
11. University of Texas at El Austin (3-3); 12. BYU (would be ranked No. 1 in a Bottom Ten of teams with 5-2 records); 13. University of Nevada at Circus Circus (3-4); 14. South Carolina (2-4-1); 15. USA Today Computer Rankings (lists Notre Dame as 21st BEST team in country); 16. Florida (3-4); 17. Houston (1-6); 18. (Tie) Dartmouth (0-6) and Notre Dame (2-4); 20. Nebraska (6-1, loser of one straight).
*Army, Navy, Air Force, The Citadel, Virginia Military Institute (Coast Guard on liberty).
ROUT OF THE WEEK: Northwestern (2-5) over Purdon't (1-6).
CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Oregon (2-6) at Cal (1-6) (11 straight losses combined!).
NOMINEE FOR MR. BLACKWELL'S WORST DRESSED TEAM LIST: Kansas State (solid purple jerseys, solid purple helmets). Stay out of the vineyards, boys.
It was a week in which the Lost Raiders' defense and NBC announcer Bob Trumpy were impossible to contain.
The Raiders tipped eight Warren Moon passes at the line of scrimmage and intercepted four others in a 28-17 win over Houston. The No. 9 Oilers got off to their best start ever this season (1-0), before slumping off recently (seven straight losses).
After an instant replay decision in the Raider game, Trumpy offered this analysis: "No! No! No! No!" When officials took another look, but reaffirmed their ruling, Trumpy, obviously aware he'd come up with a snappy line, commented: "No! No! No!"
Elsewhere, the Indianapolis 309, so named because the Dolts' Sunday loss came 309 days after their last win, fell victim to Miami Mice. The Mice were led by quarterback Dan Marino, whose passing has been so erratic lately that scientists believe one of his overthrows was responsible for the recently discovered hole in the ozone layer over Antarctica.
Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Err Coryell (1-7) 7-23, Philadelphia Kansas City 2. Indy (0-8) 13-17, Miami Cleveland 3. St. Louis (1-7) 6-37, Dallas Philadelphia 4. B. Trumpy (0-1) Composure His voice? 5. Boston (3-4) 5-8, Mets 2054 Series
6. (Tie) Bays (Green, 1-7; Pitt, 2-6; Tampa, 1-7); 9. Houston (1-7); 10. Instant Replay (0-8).
*CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Houston (1-7) at Miami (3-5).
MOST IMAGINATIVE ALIBI OF THE YEAR: From Redskin guard Russ Grimm on his team's 27-20 loss to the New Jersey Giants on ABC's Special Monday Night Edition of What Do You Mean We Have to Go Up Against The Seventh Game of the World Series? Grimm asserted that cheering Mets partisans at the Redskins-Giants game "pulled us offsides" in the second quarter, nullifying a Washington touchdown.