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New Nominee

July 17, 1987

One leader has recently appeared on the scene who seems to possess all the qualities to become President. May I nominate a man who . . .

1. Is the most respected political leader in the world.

2. Is the most effective enemy of Marxist Communism. He's got Marx and Stalin spinning in their graves.

3. Knows how to get rid of the old-guard World War II military leaders. The cold-war warriors with all the ribbons.

4. Is for mutual disarmament.

5. Knows how to clean out the federal bureaucracy and lower the budget.

6. Is for free-enterprise; paying workers more for better work.

7. Is a modernist reformer. Favors social experiments.

8. Is not a partisan party dogmatist.

9. Is pro-woman and faithful to his wife.

For President of the United States, I give you: Mikhail (Mike) Gorbachev. Let's make a straight player swap: We get Gorby and we send Republicans Robert Dole/George Bush/Jack Kemp plus the seven Democratic dwarfs over to show the Russians what television-popularity democracy is all about.


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