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Their Idea of Heaven on Earth Isn't Playing Baseball Indoors

October 19, 1987|MIKE DOWNEY

Babe Ruth, Jackie Robinson, Casey Stengel and God are sitting around in heaven, watching the World Series.

Babe: Game started yet?

Jackie: Just now.

Casey: Killebrew just threw out the first ball.

Babe: Who's Killebrew?

Casey: Fat guy. Used to hit a lot of home runs.

Jackie: Like somebody else we know.

Babe: Very funny.

Casey: He was Minnesota's biggest hero.

Babe: Well, that's the first I've heard about it.

Casey: About Killebrew?

Babe: No, about Minnesota. Where'd you say this Minnesota was?

Casey: Midwest, up by Canada.

Jackie: Babe's probably heard of Canada.

Babe: And you mean to tell me this Minnesota's got a ball team?

Casey: Yep.

Jackie: That's who St. Louis is playing in the World Series, Babe.

Babe: I heard of St. Louis. Which St. Louis team is this Minnesota playing?

Casey: Only one St. Louis left.

Jackie: Browns are long gone, Babe.

Babe: Next thing you know, you guys will be tellin' me Canada's got a team.

Casey: Certain people don't belong in this league.

Jackie: We've heard that one before.

Casey: Sorry. That didn't come out right.

Babe: Hey, I'm havin' trouble seeing this game down there.

Jackie: Yeah. It's hard to see through that roof.

Babe: Roof? What you mean, roof?

Casey: Minnesota's got a roof.

Babe: The whole state?

Jackie: No, but that's not a bad idea.

Casey: The World Series is bein' played indoors, Babe.

Babe: You're kiddin'. How's grass grow indoors?

Casey: Ain't got no grass. They're playin' the World Series on a rug.

Babe: God!

God: Yes?

Babe: Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to wake you up.

God: I wasn't sleeping. I was just resting my eyes.

Everybody: Sure, you were.

God: Game started yet?

Jackie: Yeah.

God: Angels playing?

Casey: Nope.

God: Then I'm not interested.

Jackie: Don't you want to watch?

God: I don't really have to, you know. I could tell you right now who's going to win, you know.

Everybody: Sure you can.

Casey: C'mon, watch a while. Cardinals are up in the first.

God: Did you say Cardinals?

Casey: Yeah. Just watch an inning or two.

Jackie: You'll like this Cardinal team. They're so bad, they'll need a miracle to win this thing.

God: All right, I'll watch. But I wish those guys would stop all that spitting.

Babe: They wouldn't spit indoors, would they?

Casey: You know baseball players, Babe. They'd spit in an automobile.

Jackie: Say, what do you guys think of this Minnesota team?

Casey: I like 'em OK, except I can't pronounce their names. Guy Eddy. Limberger-dozey. Buy Eleven. Then there's that first baseman who ain't got no vowels. Hrkrbk, Hrbbx. His mother musta married an eye chart.

Jackie: You guys notice anything funny about this Minnesota team?

Babe: Nothin' particular.

Casey: I don't see what you mean.

Jackie: I mean, the ball ain't the only thing down there that's white.

Casey: Now I see what you mean.

Babe: Well, I don't.

Jackie: You wouldn't.

Babe: What's that supposed to mean?

Jackie: Just means you spent too much of your career playing in the Caucasian Leagues.

Babe: Hey, that wasn't my fault.

Jackie: I know, I know.

Casey: Not too many Negro fellers on this Minnesota team, is there?

Jackie: I count about three.

Casey: Didn't Reggie Jackson say somethin' about this once when he was in Minnesota?

Jackie: He sure did.

Babe: Who's Wretched Jackson?

Casey: Reggie. He's this big slugger who talks a lot.

Jackie: Like somebody else we know.

Babe: Aw, get off my back, Jackie.

Jackie: At least St. Louis has got some black people.

Casey: Yep, but their manager's a Whitey.

Babe: Haw, haw.

Casey: Hold on, you guys. Somebody just popped one up.

Babe: I got it.

Jackie: No, I got it.

Casey: Leave it alone. The ball's in play.

Babe: But it's gonna hit the roof.

Casey: Doesn't matter. It's still in play.

Babe: You mean you can catch the ball off the ceiling now?

Jackie: I can't see it anyway.

Babe: Me, neither.

Casey: It dropped for a double.

God: Almost hit that young man on the head, didn't it?

Babe: This ain't natural.

Jackie: God, can't you do something about this?

God: I believe I shall.

Babe: The World Series is supposed to be played in the sunshine.

Jackie: Or under the lights.

Casey: Not under no roof.

God: Relax, gentlemen. I'll handle this.

Babe: Go on. Smite somebody.

Jackie: Make them play the World Series on real grass.

Babe: Where?

Jackie: They're in the majors, too, Babe.

Babe: Next thing you know, you'll tell me there's more than eight batters before the pitcher comes up.

Casey: Sit down a second, Babe.

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