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Chairman of the Bored Chooses His Yawns of the Year

December 14, 1987|LARRY PRYOR

Alan Caruba, self-appointed arbiter of boredom, has once again assembled his annual list of people everyone wants to forget but can't. This year's "Most Boring Celebrities of the Year," as well as some runners-up, with commentary by the president of The Boring Institute: Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker. "Let's give these two the 'Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos Award for Dramatic Arts' because they not only can cry on cue but keep planning their comeback." Vanna White. "Even she can't figure out why anyone is interested, and we agree." Lt. Col. Oliver L. North. "The 'Joe Izusu of national security.' " The British Royal Family. "The most boring family in the world, thanks to the media. Di loves to dance; Charles likes to paint; Edward hates the marines; Fergie loves to fly; Andrew smiles a lot; Anne keeps falling off horses, and the queen must be heavily sedated these days." Donna Rice. "All we really know for sure is that she sat on Gary Hart's lap, but that's enough." Oral Roberts. "The next time Oral goes up in his prayer tower, will someone please lock the door." Max Headroom. "From the cover of Newsweek to Nobody-in-Particular with the click of a dial. G-g-g-goodby, Max, you c-c-c-computerized f-f-f-fruitcake!" Sean Penn and Madonna. "These kids give a whole new meaning to 'flash in the pan.' "

--Italy's version of "The Importance of Being Earnest," a rumor handed down in Tuscany for 150 years, gained a wider audience with the recent publication of "A Florentine on the Throne of Savoy." Author Otello Pagliai collected documentary evidence and hearsay to argue that Victor Emmanuel, Italy's first king, was an illegitimate child who was secretly made crown prince after the real one died. The book says the real Emmanuel, son of Carlo Alberto of Savoy, died in a fire in 1822 when he was 2 years old. Carlo Alberto quickly found another heir, a child born of an illicit love affair between a local butcher and a hatmaker. The allegedly ersatz Emmanuel became the first king of united Italy in 1860, died in 1878 and was succeeded by his son King Umberto I.

--Bob Geldof, the famine-fighting rock star, returned to London over the weekend with some discouraging words after a 12-day tour or Ethiopia and Mozambique. "We may see again those horrendous pictures . . . " he said, because rebel groups in both nations have blocked efforts to get food to the starving. Geldof said he asked for a cease-fire the day he left Ethiopia. "I am still asking although I'm told by every person on the planet that it is not possible. . . . But of course it is possible if you want it. Neither side wants it."

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