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Facing a New Year in New York : Resolved: Let's Try to Make the Big Apple More Livable

December 18, 1987|JOHN SWENSON | United Press International

NEW YORK — Every year it's the same thing. People the world over draw up lists of New Year's resolutions, most of which make a lot of sense and few of which will be kept for very long.

People in New York are by and large a stoic, practical bunch. Nevertheless, they too indulge their Calvinist fantasies once a year. But their resolutions tend to be a little, well, different.

The following is a random list of the kind of resolutions New Yorkers might be making this time around:

1--Come in late for work once a week and blame it on subway construction.

2--Never argue about baseball with people from Boston, Los Angeles or Cleveland.

3--Never take the subway during rush hour.

4--Never leave cute messages on your answering machine.

5--Never go to Upper East Side singles bars.

6--Never tip a cab driver, bartender or waiter less than 15%.

7--Stop littering the apartment with the Sunday New York Times.

8--Stop looking at condominium ads in the Village Voice.

9--Never give a sucker an even break.

10--Try to avoid being a sucker yourself.

11--Don't return calls from lawyers, real estate brokers or salespeople.

12--Try to watch "Late Night With David Letterman" at least twice a week.

13--Avoid religious fanatics at all costs.

14--Don't go to first-run movies on Friday or Saturday night.

15--Don't pet the squirrels.

16--Tip your butcher at Christmas and the fishmonger at every purchase.

17--Bribe your mailman. Suddenly the right pieces of mail will appear in your box.

18--Bribe your superintendent. Suddenly the garbage will disappear from in front of your door.

19--Don't go to the Palladium.

20--If you must go to the Palladium, don't buy drinks there.

21--Avoid making eye contact with street drug dealers.

22--Don't pretend leftovers are for your pets if you want to take food home from restaurants.

23--Avoid piano bars at all costs.

24--Eat brunch whenever possible.

25--Have your coffee before going to eat brunch.

26--Don't order blue Margaritas.

27--Avoid eating at places that serve blue Margaritas.

28--Don't play "New York, New York" on the jukebox.

29--Don't pet the Dobermans or the pit bulls.

30--If someone points a gun or a knife at you and asks for money, give it to them.

31--Don't pet the pigeons.

32--Don't feed the pigeons.

33--If you must feed the pigeons, don't feed them French fries.

34--Don't follow leaders; watch your parking meters.

35--Spend as little time as possible in town during August.

36--Don't take tips on horses from your doorman or cab drivers.

37--Avoid fortune tellers at all costs.

38--Stop falling for that story about needing bus fare back to New Jersey.

39--Don't return phone calls from financial planners, stockbrokers or people trying to sell you new telephones.

40--Don't try to go to more than three parties in one night.

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