NEW YORK — Every year it's the same thing. People the world over draw up lists of New Year's resolutions, most of which make a lot of sense and few of which will be kept for very long.
People in New York are by and large a stoic, practical bunch. Nevertheless, they too indulge their Calvinist fantasies once a year. But their resolutions tend to be a little, well, different.
The following is a random list of the kind of resolutions New Yorkers might be making this time around:
1--Come in late for work once a week and blame it on subway construction.
2--Never argue about baseball with people from Boston, Los Angeles or Cleveland.
3--Never take the subway during rush hour.
4--Never leave cute messages on your answering machine.
5--Never go to Upper East Side singles bars.
6--Never tip a cab driver, bartender or waiter less than 15%.
7--Stop littering the apartment with the Sunday New York Times.
8--Stop looking at condominium ads in the Village Voice.
9--Never give a sucker an even break.
10--Try to avoid being a sucker yourself.
11--Don't return calls from lawyers, real estate brokers or salespeople.
12--Try to watch "Late Night With David Letterman" at least twice a week.
13--Avoid religious fanatics at all costs.
14--Don't go to first-run movies on Friday or Saturday night.
15--Don't pet the squirrels.
16--Tip your butcher at Christmas and the fishmonger at every purchase.
17--Bribe your mailman. Suddenly the right pieces of mail will appear in your box.
18--Bribe your superintendent. Suddenly the garbage will disappear from in front of your door.
19--Don't go to the Palladium.
20--If you must go to the Palladium, don't buy drinks there.
21--Avoid making eye contact with street drug dealers.
22--Don't pretend leftovers are for your pets if you want to take food home from restaurants.
23--Avoid piano bars at all costs.
24--Eat brunch whenever possible.
25--Have your coffee before going to eat brunch.
26--Don't order blue Margaritas.
27--Avoid eating at places that serve blue Margaritas.
28--Don't play "New York, New York" on the jukebox.
29--Don't pet the Dobermans or the pit bulls.
30--If someone points a gun or a knife at you and asks for money, give it to them.
31--Don't pet the pigeons.
32--Don't feed the pigeons.
33--If you must feed the pigeons, don't feed them French fries.
34--Don't follow leaders; watch your parking meters.
35--Spend as little time as possible in town during August.
36--Don't take tips on horses from your doorman or cab drivers.
37--Avoid fortune tellers at all costs.
38--Stop falling for that story about needing bus fare back to New Jersey.
39--Don't return phone calls from financial planners, stockbrokers or people trying to sell you new telephones.
40--Don't try to go to more than three parties in one night.