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The Bottom Ten

The Bad, the Worst and the Ugly

December 25, 1987|Steve Harvey

Lowlights, dark nights and weird sights of football, 1987, as culled from the Dead Season Scrolls: COLLEGES

--Well, it seemed like hours: As punishment for not cooperating with a National Collegiate Athletic Assn. investigation, Auburn quarterback Jeff Burger was scratched from the starting lineup against Florida. He was inserted into the game on the second play from scrimmage.

--Iona defensive back Dave Rattiner missed two games because he twisted a knee dousing his coach with Gatorade.

--The juiced-up ball controversy returns: California's Bob Tabor recorded an 89-yard punt.

--After the University of Kansas' team bus hit the wing of a parked plane in Montgomery, Ala., Doug Vance, the school's sports publicist, said: "Looks like we'll be going to the single wing."

--Oklahoma State Coach Pat Jones, asked about Colorado's backfield, which included Sal Aunese and Eric Bieniemy : "Half the names I can't pronounce. They sound like a disease you get from chickens."

--Talk about attractive opponents: Coach Stan Parrish of Kansas State (0-10-1), a homecoming opponent four weeks in a row, said: "We've seen more queens this year than the Miss America pageant"

--Colorado middle guard Kyle Rappold's simple philosophy: "Football is great. You get to kick, bite, sweat, spit, fight, win and afterward hug a blonde."


--Good Timing Award: Preseason holdout Charlie Brown, upon signing with the Atlanta Falcons, said: "I'm glad it (the holdout) is over. I didn't want to miss any more games." Two days later, the National Football League players went on strike.

--Good Thinking Award: A prospective replacement drove up to Rams Park and asked a couple of veterans: "Hey, where do you sign up if you want to play?" He was immediately pelted with eggs.

--Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Boomer Esiason called off a team practice during the NFL strike because no one had a ball.

--Co-Captains: Tony Dorsett called teammate Randy White "Captain Scab" after White crossed the picket line, then Dorsett joined the replacements himself a week later.

--Good Geography Award: Washington Scabskin defensive back Charles Jackson said: "We are the official Washington Redskins. We represent the entire state of Washington."


--The last play suggestion given to the Rams by running back and offensive coordinator Eric Dickerson: "Let him (Coach John Robinson) run the 47 Gap."

--A Great Falls, Mont., disc jockey held an Eric Thon for the $692,000-per-year running back, receiving pledges of two pounds of rice from a federal commodities program, five aluminum cans (refundable), a baseball mitt and, from Custom Covers Upholstery, a crushed velvet crying towel.

--Coach Robinson, who said the team lost "trust" in Dickerson for trying to negotiate, was caught trying to sneak the names of 13 ineligible strikers onto the game roster.


--Lean Bay called time out on the last play to rattle Chicago kicker Kevin Butler, who made use of the extra time to create a small mound in the turf to cradle the ball. He then kicked a 52-yard field goal to give the Bears a 26-24 win.

--Detroit's Edsels puttered ahead of San Diego and Lean Bay to win the Bottom Ten Grand Prix.

--Empty Dance Card: The Jets' Mark Gastineau registered his first non-strike sack on Nov. 29, Week No. 12.

--The Executive Who Got the Most Exposure: Houston General Manager Ladd Herzeg was arrested in Buffalo for allegedly "mooning" a wedding reception and punching out the bride's brother. Ladd said the music was too loud.

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