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Scott Ostler

A Quiz That Gives a New Definition to Trivial Pursuit

January 31, 1988|Scott Ostler

How well have you done your homework for this, the Holy Day for couch potatoes?

Take this simple Super Bowl quiz and see how you stack up.

I. The Redskins' mascot today is: (a) the San Diego Chicken; (b) the Washington D.C. Stool Pigeon; (c) a soccer-style Marine named Ollie Haji-Sheikh.

II. Three Three Amigos are: (a) Manny, Moe and Jack; (b) Larry, Moe and Curley Jose; (c) Vance, Mark and Ricky, Inc.

III. To more effectively cover the game, ABC will have cameras hanging from all but one of the following: (a) a blimp; (b) the goalpost; (c) Vance Johnson's earlobe.

IV. San Diego police are warning fans who will attend the game to make every attempt to avoid: (a) pickpockets; (b) groups of angry NFL players who, for some reason, never got word that the strike was settled--pockets of pickets; (c) groups protesting the exclusion of "Mustang Sally" from the halftime musical program--Wilson Pickett pickets.

V. As of Friday evening, San Diego police had arrested 111 hookers. The good news is: (a) the police didn't try to use a Roman Numeral for the 111; (b) they're all expected to get time off for good behavior; (c) the mass arrest made the streets safe for the pickpockets.

VI. Denver wide receiver Steve Watson is not one of the Three Amigos because: (a) Mexican food gives him heartburn; (b) he flunked his MTV screen test; (c) he forgot to pay his dues.

VII. Exactly how much cable has CBS placed around San Diego Jack Murphy Stadium? (a) exactly 14.2 miles; (b) enough to stretch twice around Dexter Manley's ego; (c) enough to strangle the next person who writes a story about how many miles of TV cable will be used, how many hot dogs will be consumed. . . . VIII. The telecast will be beamed to: (a) every planet in the solar system that is cable-ready; (b) 55 foreign countries, including Irwindale; (c) the mini-portable televisions of the 73,500 fans at San Diego Jack Murphy Stadium, none of whom will actually watch the game on the field.

VIII. The Broncos have revived the shotgun. Who is credited with having popularized the shotgun during the 1960s? (a) Red Hickey; (b) Junior Walker; (c) Clifton Clowers.

IX. Redskin Coach Joe Gibbs started worrying about spies when he: (a) noticed two painters working near the team's practice field, using rollers with telescopic lenses; (b) saw a copy of the Redskin playbook for sale at a downtown 7-Eleven; (c) found a bug in his bearclaw.

X. Jay Schroeder is: (a) the Redskins' backup quarterback; (b) the piano player in Peanuts comic strips; (c) wearing a Freddie Blassie wig.

XI. The two-hour pregame television show will feature: (a) taped highlights of last year's pregame show; (b) 1 hour 50 minutes of commercials; (c) an interview with Al Campanis and Jimmy (the Greek) Snyder, during which they will diagram their respective family trees all the way back to Aristotle and Plato.

XII. If Redskin linebacker Ravin Caldwell gets burned for a long pass, he's likely to say: (a) "Hey, I slipped."; (b) "Nice catch, doggonit."; (c) "Nevermore, baby."

XIII. In the event of a controversial and crucial call by the officials, the replay officials will discover that all 32 TV cameras were busy shooting: (a) artsy, low-angle shots of the cheerleader; (b) people in the stands with painted faces, silly hats and no shirts; (c) the Goodyear blimp.

XIV. The winning team will appear on packages of Wheaties. The losing team will appear: (a) on the trading block; (b) on Hollywood Squares; (c) on packages of Alpo.

XV. Al Davis was not voted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame this week because: (a) he's not one of the Twenty-seven Amigos; (b) a lot of votes he should have received went to Junior Walker instead; (c) many voters couldn't spell his first name.

XVI. During the festive pregame extravaganza, the following will be released: (a) one million white doves; (b) twelve trillion balloons; (c) those 111 hookers.

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