American bullfighter Kent Goodman says that "Americans who condemn bullfighting as violent and cruel do not understand the nature of the event." I will be happy to help him explain bullfighting to the Americans.
First, the bull is given strong laxatives to weaken him. Next, he must have Vaseline rubbed in his eyes to blur his vision and cotton stuffed up his nostrils to inhibit his breathing. A strong caustic solution will then be rubbed on his legs to throw him off balance and to keep him from lying down. Finally, when the bull has a long needle stuck into his genitals, he will be ready for battle against the brave toreador.
During the "contest," the bull will have two heavy darts with sharp fish-hook points implanted his neck muscles in order to tear his flesh whenever he moves. Firecrackers may be attached to these darts.
The accompanying "picador," who rides a blindfolded horse with its ears stuffed with wet newspapers and its vocal cords cut, will then slice a deep, 4-inch-wide hole along the bull's backbone. A lance will be inserted in this hole and rotated four times. Except for an occasional goring by an unsportsmanlike bull, the bullfighter usually wins. There, now all you Americans will understand "the nature of the event."