Problem Was, the Teacher
Did Understand Geometry
CS Northridge football Coach Bob Burt, on the academic problems of one of his players: "He's not a valedictorian, but he's not a bad student. He just had a problem with a geometry instructor."
Yak, Yak, Yak
Hart basketball Coach Greg Herrick, after a loss: "That was the most horrible officiated game I've seen in 15 years. We were jobbed. That was the worst officiating I've ever seen. That was brutal. That was horrible. An evenly officiated game and we win by 10 points."
Except They Were Shorter,
Slower and Bad
L. A. Baptist Coach Maury Neville, after watching a high-scoring, no-defense game between Montclair Prep and Marshall Fundamental: "That was like an NBA game."
Like, Gag Me With the Kremlin
Soccer player Cam Rast of Royal High, on his visit to the Soviet Union with a U. S. Junior team: "It was awesome. Moscow is a nice, clean city. It was awesome. Playing for the United States of America is awesome."
38, Same as His Points
Cleveland's Damon Charlot, who guarded Fairfax's Chris Mills, on Coach Bob Braswell's instructions: "Braz told me that by the end of the game he wanted to know what size underwear Mills wears."
And That Ridiculous Headlock Foul . . .
Duane Heller of San Fernando, after fouling out of a basketball game: "It was ticky-tack. One time I was fronting my man and I had my arm wrapped around his body. And they called holding."
On the Perpendicular Bars . . .
UCLA gymnast David Mariel of Northridge: "What really ticks me off is when people come up to me and ask, 'Hey, aren't you a gymnastic ?' They don't even know the word for it."
Then Sit Down and Have a Doughnut
Chris Schallert, formerly of North Hollywood High, on the torture of preparing for a marathon: "It just takes too much out of you. It really beats you up physically. It takes a lot out of you mentally, too."
I'll Have the Uppercuts to the Chin, Senor
Boxing manager Dan Goossen of the Ten Goose Gym in North Hollywood: "I can speak enough Spanish to get by in any boxing ring or any Mexican restaurant."
Yellow Rose of Bulgaria?
Tennis player Chris Groff, who transferred to Cal Lutheran from Texas Tech, on an upcoming trip to Bulgaria: "I'm looking forward to going there. It can't be any worse than Lubbock."
And a Really Nice Spare Tire
Boxing promoter and publicist Bill Caplan of Northridge, beating the drum at the start of 250-pound George Foreman's comeback: "He is like a vintage car parked in a garage for 10 years. He's got no wear and tear and plenty of miles left."
This Is Called a Baseball . . .
Highland Hall baseball Coach Davey Desmond, on the orientation of A. J. Rushton, an outfielder from Australia: "In the middle of our first game, A. J. turned to me and said, 'Oh, I get it. Three swings and you're out.' "
A Personal Foul
Bobby Ray McMahon of Van Nuys, self-confessed basketball nut, on his obsession: "One morning my wife wakes me up and tells me it's 15 to 8, and I asked her who was winning."
Like Cracking It Over Mike's Head
George Kirchgassner, host of a baseball tournament in Florida, removed a picture of himself and Simi Valley Coach Mike Scyphers from his wall in reaction to the team's behavior and Scyphers' decision to withdraw after a loss midway through the tournament. Said Kirchgassner: "This picture can go in the garbage can. I wanted to use this frame for something else anyway."
Unfortunately, We Only Have 11 or 12 Fans Returning
Dieter Hochheimer, coach and general manager of the California Kickers professional soccer team, which averaged 1,200 fans a game: "We expect to have an excellent team this year. We will have 11 or 12 players returning from last year."
Ex-CSUN baseball Coach Terry Craven, explaining why he refused to discuss the reasons for his resignation: "Obviously, you can get into some very, very minute details about, 'What do you really mean by this, and what do you really mean by that?' I don't think it needs to go beyond that."
Yeah, Coach, I've Got a 2 . . . a 4.0. Yeah, That's the Ticket
Granada Hills distance coach Bob Augello, reacting to the news that one of his runners had been declared academically ineligible: "I had no idea he was having any problems. He told me everything was going fine."
And This Guy Is Academically Eligible?
Cleveland High announces that a starting infielder is academically ineligible, but will be replaced by a player who suffered a broken hand a month earlier trying to catch a line drive bare-handed.
Pitcher Tim Nedin of Canyon High, after a game played in frigid, windy conditions: "In the eighth and ninth innings I felt like I didn't have any skin on my body."
The Check's in the Garage
Mike Steurer of Granada Hills, chief mechanic for his auto-racing brother, on a gigantic replica of a check for $10,000 the racer was presented in a victory ceremony: "The giant, fake check is real nice. I'm sure we can buy a lot of engine parts with it."
Mommy . . . Joey Lost My Asbestos Suit