The words came out in a torrent, sometimes tumbling over one another as ex-major league pitcher Dock Ellis recounted his adventures in the scary world of drugs.
You remember Dock. Outrageous Dock, running around with his hair in curlers. Rebellious Dock, throwing a no-hitter while high on LSD. Addicted Dock, experimenting with every banned substance known to man, and a few not yet discovered.
Ellis had just come out of drug rehabilitation when another ex-patient invited him over to his house.
"The guy had been in treatment with me," he said. "I knew something was up. I could smell the stuff before we were in the door. Anyone who has used it knows that smell. It smells like nothing else in this world and you never forget that smell. When we got inside, he showed me two kilos. He said he wanted to get back in the fast lane."
And what did Ellis say?
"I told him, 'I'm outta here.' "
The smell of the stuff lingers in the brain, a siren's call, always there, always beckoning. That is why the most dangerous time for an addict is the time after rehabilitation. For an athlete, that problem is compounded by lifestyle.
The idle time. The extra money. The constant opportunity. The gnawing craving. They are all permanent landmines, threatening to blow up without warning. Ellis knows that. He runs scared, afraid of the slip that drug treatment professionals say is so common among recovering addicts.
"The temptation is there every day," he said. "It's right there, the first day out."
And not only for him.
"Addiction is an obsession," said Dr. Arnold Washton, who has treated two dozen professional athletes with substance abuse problems. "It's easy to stop but hard to stay away from. You don't get fixed in rehabilitation. And the first day out is the first time you have to live without that artificial protection."
Ego can interfere with recovery. "Superstars expect the laws of the universe apply to everybody but them," Washton said. "The goal is how you get through the day facing the reality and stress of daily life without getting high."
Getting started in drugs is the easiest thing in the world, Ellis said.
"You're not scared. You just do it. It feels good so you do it again. You don't ever want to stop. The only thing that matters is the drug. And then you start to need more to feel just as good. So you do more."
How much more?
In the end, Ellis said, "I was a vacuum cleaner."
