"Hey, kids, let's put on a play! How about "Hamlet"? You know, the melancholy Dane. What's that, Melissa? Melancholy. Mel-un-kol-ee. It means sad. Yes, that's right, Michael. The same way you feel when Mom and Dad say no more Nintendo for the day. What's that? A bummer, yes, that's right, Stanley. Bummer is another word for it, kind of. But we can't call Shakespeare's masterpiece the Bummer Dane, now, can we? Heh-heh. OK, OK. Quiet down. Back to "Hamlet." This is a story about a young prince who learns that his stepfather poisoned his father, the king, and ended up marrying his mother, the queen. Needless to say, this news disturbs him quite a bit. Who's crying? Now, now, Annie, don't cry. It's only make believe. Yes, that's right. What's that, Bobby? You saw this on "L.A. Law"? I guess that's possible. Nothing new under the sun, and all that. OK, who wants to play Prince Hamlet? I'm sorry, Lisa, we need a boy to play the part. You can play the part of Queen Gertrude, or Ophelia, another character in the play. Now, Lisa, that's not a nice name to call us. Yes, we know what an anti-discrimination lawsuit is. You know what, kids? We have a better idea. Let's forget about Shakespeare. Even better, let's leave the performing to adults and attend the sixth annual "Theatre Arts Festival for Youth," being held from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Saturday and Sunday at the Peter Strauss Ranch off Mulholland Drive. It'll feature 14 companies in theater, music, puppetry, mime and dance on three stages. Admission is $9 for adults, $8 for children ages 3 to 12. Food and drink will be for sale. For reservations and information call (818) 99-TAFFY. The Bard, as noted earlier, is not on the bill.