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The Love Quiz

February 14, 1991

It's Valentine's Day when thoughts naturally turn to romance. But what if you're not romantic?

Sure, some people are thinking about roses and champagne. But others are fretting over the crabgrass or cleaning out the lint trap. Let's face it. There are really only two kinds of people in the world: People with a flair for romance, and people who don't have a clue.

Take, for instance, the man at a recent UCLA football game who sent an airplane to declare his intentions to his girlfriend. On a banner pulled through the sky, the message read, "Kathy, I love you. Please marry me-Ray."

We're looking for the most romantic person in Ventura County-as well as the person who qualifies as the hands-down winner for lacking the trait altogether. Take the test below, compiled by our hopelessly romantic staff, and then tell us why you think your Significant Other qualifies as the county's Great Romantic Mate--or why he or she is the biggest dud in that department. Then, send it to us. Now, let the games begin.

1. If my mate were a car, my mate would be:

A) A turbo-charged, 8-cylinder, 5-speed candy-apple red Corvette.

B) Herbie, the Love Bug.

C) A Yugo in need of a jump-start.

2. During an amorous moment, it would take this to distract my mate:

A) A five-alarm fire.

B) A car alarm.

C) Creeping doubt that he/she had forgot to set the alarm clock.

3. On a special evening at home my mate:

A) Reads sensuous poetry to me.

B) Refinishes grandpa's old rolltop desk.

C) Suggests that I pick up snacks while my mate and friends watch a Three Stooges marathon.

4. I feel cooped up and tell my mate that I need to get out. My mate:

A) Drops everything and makes a reservations at a local B&B.

B) Suggests a trip for two to the recycling center.

C) Hands me the bus schedule.

5. If my relationship had a built-in soundtrack, the theme would be:

A) "Moonlight Serenade," as performed by the Glen Miller Orchestra on a crisp compact disc.

B) "Do You Love Me?" as performed by the Contours in 1962 on a 45 of moderate fidelity.

C) "The Lonely Bull," as performed by Zamfir during a spot on the shopping channel.

6. When our eyes first met, I looked at my mate and realized:

A) That I would never be the same again.

B) That plenty of people make worse compromises in life.

C) That one of us had stepped into the wrong restroom.

7. My mate's idea of a sexy fabric is:

A) Satin

B) Flannel

C) Velcro

8. To get me in a romantic mood my mate feeds me:

A) Oysters and champagne.

B) Cookies and milk.

C) Chicken nuggets with extra Secret Sauce.

9. The film my mate most likes to cuddle up in front of is:

A) "It Happened One Night"

B) "Love and Death"

C) "Carrie"

10. A friend comments that I look terrific. My mate responds by:

A) Smiling like a Cheshire cat.

B) Patting my behind and honking like a goose.

C) Nodding absently, while leering like a wolf at a passing bicyclist in tight pants.

11. Dinner is over and the kids are asleep. When I ask my mate if "dessert" upstairs sounds like a good idea, my mate:

A) Says, "MMMMM!"

B) Worries about getting apple pie on the bedspread.

C) Says, "no thanks, I seem to be getting a little indigestion already."

12. I have booked a cabin in the mountains for the weekend. My mate insists that the cabin have:

A) A private hot tub and a wood-burning fireplace.

B) Easy access to tourist attractions.

C) Free sewage disposal for the RV.

13. If my mate were a painting, my mate would be:

A) Manet's "Luncheon on the Grass"

B) Wood's "American Gothic"

C) Picasso's "Guernica"

14. If my mate were a place, my mate would be:

A) Victoria, B.C.

B) Rapid City, S.D.

C) Gobbler's Knob, N.C.

15. During our life together we have had romantic interludes:

A) 5-7 times a week.

B) Once a week.

C) Not since Walter Cronkite left CBS.

Give yourself three points for every A answer, two for every B and one for every C. If your total is greater than 35, the neighbors are probably whispering about you. If you scored less than that, but greater than 25, the tepid nights outnumber the torrid ones. Less than 25 and you should call the paramedics and have your pulse checked.

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