Hoo-boy. Gee (applause). It's great to be up here. First off, we'd like to thank the academy for voting us this Oscar. It's quite an honor (applause). Big time. Winning the first Academy Award for a non-movie role has left us speechless, and (chuckle) that doesn't happen very often.
Wow, he's a heavy little dude, isn't he? (applause).
We'd like to thank our analyst, Walter, who's been like a rock; our agent, Mel, for giving us hope; our masseuse, Moon-lee, for teaching us that an angry back doesn't have to stay that way; our fitness coach, Larry, for showing us that no pain means no gain; our nutritionist, Alice, for getting those toxins out of our system (soy cheese all the way, Alice!); the Formidable Companion, who showed us what . . . strength . . . really . . . is; and, of course, our parents, who knew us way back when.
And we also want to thank a terrific gentleman. We would love this man like a father, but he's dead. He's the main reason we became an ink-stained wretch. His name is H. L. Mencken (applause).
Uh, a little while ago we were backstage, talking with Kevin. Wow, that "Dances With Wolves," huh? Awesome talent. God, if he doesn't win tonight, we'll give him our award. Just kidding.