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The Good, the Bad and the Ego

August 25, 1991

The famous (William) Goldman Hypothesis, that in Hollywood "nobody knows anything," was an outstanding early theoretical attempt to explain the phenomenal amount of worthless garbage produced by the studio system. It turns out, however, that subsequent developments have necessitated that Goldman's notion be revised.

There is, it seems, one person--and perhaps only one (mathematicians have been unable to prove singularity)--living in Greater Los Angeles who knows what's good. His name is Julian Maltese.

I have it on excellent authority that to "Howard the Duck," Maltese would have said: "Lucas, what mucous." To "Rhinestone's" Stallone and Dolly: "I groan with this folly." To "Hudson Hawk's" Willis: "Take a walk, you make me illest." To "Ishtar's" Hoffman and Beatty: "Bug off, men, and get weighty." He could have saved Hollywood millions.

The point persists that the Goldman Hypothesis must now include the Maltese Corollary: "No one knows anything, except Julian Maltese, who knows what's good."

JULIAN MALTESE

Santa Monica

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