Name it and claim it.
* Life imitates art imitates cop work.
San Diego cop Patrick Vinson issued a misdemeanor citation to a 42-year-old guy spotted behind a grocery store on Sports Arena Boulevard.
His offense: Having an open can of beer in a no-drinking area.
His name: Daniel Beers.
* Roger Batchelder, 42, Peace and Freedom candidate in the 50th Congressional District, lists his occupation on the ballot as "peon."
His telephone answering machine tells callers, "I hope you have a good day, despite the new world order."
(For the record: he shuttles cars for a rental agency.)
"I don't expect to win this time," he says, "but pretty soon peons are going to start getting elected,"
* Check this.
Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-Coronado) is among six Republicans caught in the check scandal who are pictured in a Democratic attack ad in "Roll Call," the biweekly paper that covers Capitol Hill.
The headline above their photos in the half-page ad: "Hypocrites."
The ad blasts Republicans for trying to blame Democrats for the House banking mess.
* Seen on Interstate 5 in San Diego: A driver going 70 m.p.h., undoing her curlers, brushing her hair, looking in the rear-view mirror to put on her makeup.
(If the CHP is listening, I have the license number).
* Scott Harvey, a candidate for the County Board of Education, is annoyed at not being allowed to list himself on the ballot as "businessman/educator/ parent ."
The county registrar of voters says being a parent doesn't fit the state definition of a "profession, vocation or occupation."
Harvey, a lobbyist and former aide to then-Mayor Pete Wilson, shoots back that the notion that being a parent is not a legitimate job is "outdated and sexist."
He's filed an appeal. Meanwhile he's switched his three-word designation to " small businessman/educator."
* San Diego bumper sticker: "God Saves Souls and Redeems Them for Valuable Prizes."
Straight, No Chaser and Good Night
Retired Vice Adm. James B. Stockdale, picked by H. Ross Perot on Monday as his temporary vice presidential candidate, is known for straight talk.
Anyone who attended a banquet of the Stanford Club of San Diego a few years ago can testify that the reputation is well-deserved.
The dinner, attended by 250 people in the ballroom of the Sheraton Harbor Island, was a fund-raising kickoff for Stanford's centennial celebration.
Organizers asked the university to suggest a big-name speaker with local ties. They were given the name of Stockdale, a researcher at Stanford's Hoover Institution think tank who keeps a home in Coronado.
Stockdale and his wife were flown down at the club's expense. He was told that any remarks relevant to the occasion would be appreciated.
The Stockdales were seated at the head table, and the admiral was given a flowery after-dinner introduction. He then arose and said in a very friendly tone:
"I'm not very happy with Stanford right now. I'm not part of the Stanford family and never will be. But thank you very much for inviting us."
End of speech. (Stockdale apparently was miffed at not being allowed to teach a philosophy course on campus.)
The brevity of his remarks caught everyone short.
The plan had been for San Diego banker and Stanford trustee Malin Burnham, who had been delayed at another event, to arrive in time to follow Stockdale's speech with a rousing appeal on behalf of alma mater.
But, by the time Burnham arrived, the audience was gone and waiters were cleaning up the tables.
Awwww, He's Just Blowing Smoke
* Bob Davidson of La Jolla thinks the media will dig up more stuff on Bill Clinton. He asks: "When will the next high heel drop on the Clinton campaign?"
* European reporters are getting interested in the scheduled execution of killer Robert Alton Harris.
A French television crew is due in San Diego this week to interview Police Detective Steve Baker, father of one of Harris' victims. The interview will be translated into French and German.