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LAUGH LINES : Jokes

July 01, 1994

In the news: Here's more evidence that CBS Inc. will soon merge with the QVC home shopping network, says comedy writer Bob Mills: "Halfway through the 'CBS Evening News' last night, Dan Rather sold his sweater to a viewer who had called in."

If the CBS-QVC merger goes through, it will be worth $3 billion, says comedy writer Tony Peyser: "The deal will involve either 40 million shares of stock or 55 million lovely cubic zirconium pendants."

Peyser adds that CBS chief executive Laurence Tisch has personal reasons for pushing the deal: "This way he can shop at home for new affiliates."

Postal Service management changes have led to a new logo design. It won't help, says comic Argus Hamilton: "Not when their motto is still, 'When it absolutely, positively, has to be there sometime this month.' "

The New Jersey townhouse of the late Richard Nixon is up for sale. In honor of the former President, Hamilton reports, there will not be an open house: "Instead, real estate agents are inviting prospective buyers to just 'break in' any time."

*

How hot is it? "It's been so hot in Los Angeles that the Menendez brothers are sticking to their story."

--R. Alex Kaseberg, La Jolla "I took my kids to the park over the weekend and I saw a tree looking for a dog."

--Paul Ecker, Diamond Bar *

Multiple and varied submissions of this one:

A man was driving south on I-5 near Leucadia when he saw a goat in the road. Fearing it might be killed, he put it in the back seat of his car.

A patrolman saw the car a few minutes later and pulled it over. He told the driver that he had done nothing wrong but wondered about the goat. The driver explained the situation and asked what he should do. The officer said that since the man was headed south, he should take it to the San Diego Zoo.

A few days later, the patrolman saw the same car, driver and goat headed north on the same freeway, so he again stopped the car. "I thought you were going to take the goat to the zoo," he said.

"I did," the driver said. "And we had such a good time that today we are going to Disneyland."

*

A thought for the July 4th holiday: "The ant is the most organized and well-disciplined creature on Earth. No matter how busy an ant is, it always has time to go to a picnic."

--Bernie Otis, Woodland Hills *

Reader Leonard S. Bustos says few of his children's school achievement awards are as memorable as one his son, then 5, brought home three years ago:

He was proudly wearing a happy-face badge on his lapel that read: "Best Rester Award."

I congratulated him and asked how he had earned it.

"Heck, Dad, I don't know," he replied. "I was asleep."

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