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LAUGH LINES : Jokes

July 04, 1994

David Letterman, on the possible merger of CBS Inc. and the QVC home shopping network: "The merger has not yet gone through, so do me a favor: Quit phoning in here trying to buy my hair piece."

Among Dave's Top 10 Least Popular Tourist Attractions:

* Six Flags Over Newark.

* The Magnificent Algae Forest of Willie Nelson's Bathtub.

* Sen. Packwood's House of Hands.

* The Regis De Milo.

* The Grand Ole Oprah.

* EuroDisney.

*

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the battle between Mattel and Hasbro for control of a British company with rights to sell Scrabble outside North America: "The deal could be worth more than $70 million. Or $210 million if it lands on a triple word score."

Comic Ed Markey, on car rental companies having only one question on their car return forms: They ask, "Did you buy gas?" This makes no sense. If they are limited to only one question, shouldn't it be: "Did you ever utter the phrase, 'Screw it, it's a rental'?"

Reader Bert Feinberg of Van Nuys wonders why such a big deal is being made about the closing of the musical "Sunset Boulevard": "Street maintenance closed Pico Boulevard for a month and nobody criticized their performance."

Reader Bob Brennan of Costa Mesa thinks police mishandled the melee last week involving soccer fans in Huntington Park after Mexico tied Italy: "Instead of rubber bullets, tear gas and batons, they should have gained control with something the fans understood: Pass out yellow cards."

Reader Richard Goldman says an East Coast food company is apparently paying tribute to a certain Minneapolis rock star by officially changing its product name to "The Spaghetti Sauce Formerly Known as Prince."

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A parapsychologist once told a story on "Donahue" that proves ESP has its limits.

A Las Vegas gambler was playing roulette when he heard a little voice in his head that told him to bet $100 on the number 7. He did and won about $3,000.

Then the voice said, "Bet $100 on 6." The gambler won another three grand. A third time the voice urged the man on: "Bet $100 on 10." Again, he won $3,000.

"Now bet it all on 5," the voice coaxed.

The gambler, sensing a better than $250,000 payoff, did as he was told. This time, he lost.

"Damn," the little voice said.

--Argus Hamilton

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Reader Walt Hopmans of Santa Barbara recalls when his preteen daughter was enthusing about getting her first training bra:

Her brother looked at the garment dubiously and asked, "What's it supposed to train them to do?"

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