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LAUGH LINES : Jokes

July 07, 1994

Jay Leno, on the question of whether witnesses in the O.J. Simpson hearing and trial can be believed if they sold their stories to the National Enquirer: "The question should be, can anyone be trusted if you see them reading the National Enquirer?"

Leno, on the rock group Pearl Jam testifying before Congress about the high cost of concert tickets: "That was kind of nice. It was kind of refreshing to see rock stars and congressmen get together somewhere besides the Betty Ford clinic."

Among David Letterman's Top 10 things George Washington would say if he were alive:

* "You need some ID? How 'bout this dollar?"

* "I'm on the single and that fat kite-flying weasel Ben Franklin is on the hundred?"

* "Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett?"

* "I'm the first President of the U.S. What do you mean I can't get Streisand tickets?"

* "Would you please get your hands off Martha, Mr. Barker?"

* "My God, Sam Donaldson is annoying!"

*

The FBI has opened its first field office in Moscow. To honor the historic event, comedy writer Bob Mills says, Russian leaders dressed the body of Lenin in one of the late J. Edgar Hoover's black lace gowns.

Mills also reports that under new rules instituted by the Department of Health, Education and Welfare, college students now have 30 years--rather than the previous 10 years--to default on government loans.

Ross Perot has told Republican leaders that he would run the U.S. government just like a business. Comic Argus Hamilton agrees: "He'd take one look at the books and then burn us down for the insurance money."

*

Comedy writer Tony Peyser's crime and court watch:

* Early Tuesday, robbers got away with about $300,000 from Hollywood Park. Police arrived quickly but said the crooks already had a head start of seven furlongs. They placed the odds of catching them at 9-5.

Hundreds of new laws went into effect all over the country on July 1. In Georgia, for instance, you now must be at least age 18 to get a tattoo. You must also be drunk, have a girlfriend who just left you and own at least three Oak Ridge Boys cassettes.

Former televangelist Jim Bakker has been released from prison after serving 4 1/2 years for conning followers out of some $150 million. Interviewed at the halfway house where he now lives, Bakker told reporters: "As Charles Keating is my witness, I'll never bilk anyone again."

*

Reader Joseph Klass of L.A. recalls the summer weekend that his 5-year-old daughter kept pestering him to take her to Disneyland.

I begged off by telling her it was just too far away.

Finally, she said "All right, Daddy, then why don't we go to Nots Very Far ?"

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