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TELEVISION : Live! Exclusively! Absolutely Nothing!


Hour after hour, detail after detail, crackpot theory after crackpot theory, wild goose chase after wild goose chase, it's live television coverage of the You Know What case. Welcome to . . .

"The Dilemma Before the Crisis: Helluva Hearing."

Switching on the set, we find our favorite newscast already in progress.

Anchor Al: And that completes the latest recap of our recap.

Anchor Sue: Meanwhile, it's time for me to suppress laughter while breathlessly introducing our regular Simpson culture segment. Tonight, "O.J., O. Henry and J. Edgar Hoover: The Common Thread."

Anchor Al: But first some inane breaking news. Our Chopper Lou is live over the Simpson estate where nothing is swiftly continuing to dramatically happen.

Chopper Lou: And we'll remain here for you exclusively as the story continues not to unfold.

Chopper Mel: And I'm now over Anchor Lou. I can see him waving to me as I wave back.

Anchor Sue: If any of our viewers know of something not happening concerning this case we invite them to call our special "Nothing to Report" 900 line and tell us about it.

Anchor Al: As I try to stretch our meaningless babble to the next commercial break by introducing our Psychic Dr. Sally's nightly analysis of the vibrations surrounding the Downtown Criminal Courts Building.

Anchor Sue: Which she'll undertake when we wake her up.

Anchor Al: While I try not to crack up laughing as our profusely sweating special consultant, Lawyer Lester, explains the nuances of this case that has him completely baffled.

Lawyer Lester: I'd bet my mail-order degree on it.

Anchor Sue: And I'd bet that our mindless special O.J. fashion consultant, Mr. Bernard, has an opinion on courtroom wardrobes.

Mr. Bernard: Marcia Clark, honey, cut it out with those miniskirts.

Anchor Al: And speaking of the deputy district attorney, I'll pretend I'm not getting a migraine while teasing our weeklong exclusive series: "'A Thousand Clarks." Coming up later tonight, "Marcia Clark and Petula Clark--Singing a Different Tune."

Anchor Sue: But first I'll try not to puke while announcing it's time for our regular O.J. round-table. Tonight's issue: "If O.J. Escapes."

Chopper Lou: If he did escape, and if he traveled the No. 10 Freeway, I'd be above him right now, exclusively following the route he'd be taking.

Chopper Mel: And I'd be over Chopper Lou.

Anchor Al: And Weatherman Ned, what kind of temps could O.J. expect if he chose to escape tomorrow?

Weatherman Ned: Well, Al, if he wants to stay cool he'd better have his car air conditioner switched way up. And he'll be fleeing under party cloudy skies with a 10% chance of measurable precipitation.

Anchor Al: Uh oh. And if he wants to feel fresh?

Mr. Bernard: I'd recommend soft and comfortable jersey shorts with a casual knit shirt underneath a rugged, machine-washable travel vest in 100% cotton canvas.

Anchor Sue: Thank you, fools, for that illuminating discussion that affirms that we've all lost our marbles. Tomorrow night's round-table topic: "If Madonna and Michael Jackson Were to Marry, Would They Invite O.J. to the Wedding?"

Mr. Bernard: And if he attended, what would be appropriate attire for him?

Anchor Sue: A wedding consultant will be with us tomorrow to sort out the exclusive details.

Anchor Al: Meanwhile, I'll pretend to have all my faculties while announcing Part 3 of our series titled "Sh." Simpson defense attorney Robert Shapiro and actor Omar Sharif reportedly haven't met. But if they did meet, what would they talk about? To get a fresh perspective, we went to a shopping mall and asked people who have never heard of either of them.

Anchor Sue: But first, this just in. Chopper Lou is again circling the Simpson estate where nothing is continuing to happen with increased ferocity.

Chopper Lou: Yes, there is just no letup. I've never seen something not happen so relentlessly.

Anchor Sue: Meanwhile, I'll try not to wet my pants while announcing that our special report comparing Brentwood, Hollywood, Westwood, Rosemary Woods and Bob Woodward will be coming up later preceded by our deranged probe of the non-link between O.J.'s white Bronco, Bronko Nagurski and the Denver Broncos.

Anchor Al: As I try not to notice the puddle under your chair while introducing our nightly O.J. "Discussion of a Sensitive Issue" by our lunatic staff. Tonight's searing topic: "A Dog's Plaintive Wail."

Weatherman Ned: You could say Moby Dick was a plaintive whale.

Chopper Mel: But a different animal.

Anchor Sue: Yet one also capable of feeling.

Lawyer Lester: And we all have to wonder how different things might have turned out had there been a whale at the murder site instead of a dog.

Dr. Sally: I sense that the neighbors would have complained.

Chopper Lou: And if those neighbors were Eskimos, would they have harpooned the whale?

Anchor Sue: And if they did, wouldn't they be charged with animal cruelty? An Eskimo rights spokesman will be here to address that question tomorrow night.

Mr. Bernard: And if he's on the ball, he'll be wearing a fashionable linen blazer, fully lined and gently shaped with front darts.

Anchor Al: So many unpredictable twists to this story.

Anchor Sue: Meanwhile, it's time for me to say good night while ignoring that Dr. Sally is now comatose and Lawyer Lester and Weatherman Ned are playing gin rummy.

Anchor Al: And time for me to remind viewers inexplicably not appalled by us to tune in our tasteless 11 p.m. newscast when our O.J. coverage will include "The Score Card: Who's Winning?," "Here's What We Didn't Learn Today" and "What If a Giant Monster From the Center of the Earth Ate the Criminal Courts Building?"

Anchor Sue: But first, this just in! Chopper Lou has relearned exclusively that nothing is happening at the Simpson estate.

Anchor Al: Or in this newscast.

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