Jay Leno, on new leader Kim Jong Il being officially declared a god in North Korea: "This guy likes young women, fast cars and whiskey. And now he thinks he's a god. Women, let me ask you something: Doesn't this sound like every guy from L.A. you ever went out with?"
Tabitha, the celebrated flying feline, was found aboard a 747 jet, 12 days and some 30,000 miles after disappearing on an L.A.-bound flight. The cat's biggest ordeal, reports comedy writer Tony Peyser, wasn't lack of food or being dehydrated: "It was having to sit through 'Major League II' 16 times."
Argus Hamilton, on the President congratulating Yassar Arafat on his homecoming: "As usual, Sen. Robert Dole jumped right on Clinton's statement. He said, 'This is an insult to every American who ever died filming "The Ten Commandments." ' "
Funny in clubs: "The President was on television saying there's an education crisis. He said 60% of all Americans can't locate Germany on a map. And I say, 'Wait a second, now, Mr. Nixon! So what if 60% of Americans can't locate Germany on a map? What about the 85% who can?' "
"A survey shows that 87% of American people think that the decline in the work ethic threatens the future of the American dream. The other 13% were too lazy to fill out the questionnaire."
When the dean of a local university was informed that students were revolting, he replied: "I don't care what they look like, they're here for an education."
--Seymour Kass, L.A.
Another celebrity has followed Paul Newman and Phyllis George into the ever-growing food market. Coming soon to your grocer's dairy case: Oliver Stone's "I Refuse to Believe It's Not Butter."
--Alonso Duralde, Hollywood
Quotable: Tennis star Martina Navratilova was once asked at a news conference by a male reporter: "Martina, are you still a lesbian?"
She replied: "Are you still the alternative?"
Two starlets were discussing a lecherous millionaire when one asked: "Why do you date him, his mind is in the gutter?" Replied the other: "Because his gutter is Rodeo Drive."
--Stan Kaplan, Garden Grove
When his cable system last month renumbered channels "for the umpteenth time," Steven Orich of Hollywood says his daughter, Miranda, 8, turned on her usual channel expecting to see Nickelodeon. Instead, she got Playboy Channel, scrambled.
\o7 Through the chaotic lines of video, she was able to make out some of what was going on.
She came in and said: "Dad, I turned on Channel 20 expecting Nickelodeon, but I got Nipple-odeon." \f7