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July 15, 1994

Comedy writer Mel Golob, on news that computer hacks had illegally stored a large cache of pornographic material in a computer at a defense research laboratory: "It's got to be the only computer system in the world with viruses that can be cured with penicillin."

Comic Argus Hamilton on Germany's announcement that it would send combat troops abroad: "The effect was electrifying. Serbia, Haiti and North Korea promptly surrendered. And Somalia offered to collaborate."

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the death of R.J. Reynolds III, grandson of the founder of the R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Co., of smoking related emphysema and heart disease: "In accordance with instructions in his will, he was buried with 19 other people in a crush-proof box."

Comedy writer Paul Steinberg, on TeleCan, a new one-inch TV from Japan that is mounted in a soda can and will fit in your car's cup holder: "These must be the same engineers who designed car back seats so small that you can't make love in them."

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the aftermath of a poll in which 82% of Minnesota residents say casinos should donate some of their profits to programs that cure compulsive gamblers: "Compulsive gamblers there immediately began placing bets on which programs the casinos would donate to."

Comedy writer Bob Mills reports that animal rights activists began picketing NASA headquarters after word leaked out that Columbia astronauts, while performing experiments on aquatic wildlife, "have been subsisting mainly on a diet of sushi."

Jay Leno, on a British study that revealed that overweight girls and short boys can expect to earn less money in their lifetimes: "Yeah. I'll explain that to Oprah and Ross Perot when I see them."


Funny in print: Among the things Laugh Factory Magazine says no one wants to hear from a doctor:

* "Let's get through this before I get the shakes again."

* "I can't remember: Is it the kidneys or the appendix you really don't need?"

* "I'm really a veterinarian, but a lot of this crap is the same."

* "I'm gonna put on some rubber gloves and feel around. Then when I'm done, you do me."

Stress, says Humor Files newsletter, is the boss's way of saying, "Why should your stomach be healthier than mine?"


Seen by Ruth Stroud on a boarded-up building on Pico off Fairfax, an area littered with graffiti:

Graffiti no longer accepted here! Please find a day job. Thank you.

Overheard by Renee Tawa at Hearst Castle: A young cashier looked puzzled when a customer handed him a Susan B. Anthony dollar, the pride of feminists when the coins were issued in 1979.

"Don't you have any U.S. money?" he pleaded.

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