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LAUGH LINES : Jokes

July 18, 1994

The rock singer Formerly Known as Prince has changed his name again, reports comedy writer Mark Miller: "He now wants to be known as 'I'm Prince Again, Sorry for Confusing Everyone--It Was a Silly Egomaniacal Mistake and I Hope to God I Can Live It Down.' "

Jay Leno, on the new Motel 6 commercial, in which Tom Bodett says, "If baseball is America's No. 1 favorite activity, come to Motel 6 because saving money is No. 2": "I got news for him. . . . People come to Motel 6 because baseball is really only America's second favorite activity."

Leno, on employees now owning 55% of United Airlines: "If you thought it was hard getting an extra bag of peanuts before, just wait until the flight attendant is paying for them."

Comic Argus Hamilton says many people are angry that President Clinton has granted Most Favored Nation trading status to China: "Particularly in this case, American labor unions think MFN stands for 'mostly free needlework.' "

*

While interviewing the Devil, Larry King asked him to name some of his greatest accomplishments.

The Devil ticked off several: "The sinking of the Titanic, I did very well with that one . . . World Wars I and II were a hoot for me . . . I laughed when the Hindenburg exploded."

Larry then asked what the Devil thought was his supreme achievement of all time.

The Devil's horns vibrated, his eyes went blood red. He leaned forward and replied: "Call waiting."

--Charles Pierce, North Hollywood

Fresh out of USC, my friend has been looking in vain for a job. In desperation, he applied for construction work. "A degree in literature?" the foreman sneered. "You wouldn't know the difference between a joist and a girder."

"Sure I do," my friend grinned. "One wrote 'Ulysses' and the other wrote 'Faust.' "

--Al Hix, Hollywood

*

Only in Florida: Wanda Eads Valdes, who fought Florida prison officials for four years for the right to marry Death Row inmate Frank Valdes, has vowed to fight his attempt to divorce her. Says comedy writer Tony Peyser: "Mr. Valdes claims he wants the divorce because he 'needs more space.' "

A Tampa woman is being tried for hiring a hit man to kill her husband, a carnival performer who was billed as "Lobster Boy." Comedy writer Bob Mills says that police have finally admitted that the case would have gone unsolved if the killer hadn't left behind a trail of drawn butter.

*

Ted Hartman of Santa Monica says that during a recent cruise, an elderly gentleman was watching a demonstration by the ship's dance instructors:

He turned to me and asked what they were doing. I explained that it was a dance called the Lambada.

"It looks like sex to me," he replied, "and I have a very good memory."

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