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Host With Most Leaves With Toast

August 03, 1994|MIKE DOWNEY

An American couple--we'll call them Ted and Jane--meet over vodka with a Russian couple, Boris and Natasha, as the Goodwill Games draw to an end.

Ted: "To a great success!"

Jane: "Here, here!"

Boris: "Where?"

Ted: "Here."

Natasha: "St. Petersburg, darling."

Ted: "The former Leningrad!"

Jane: "I liked Lenin."

Ted: "I know, I know."

Boris: "To goodwill between men."

Natasha: "And women, darling."

Ted: "Did you enjoy the Games?"

Boris: "Oh, yes."

Natasha: "Very much."

Boris: "Except Brazil and Italy."

Natasha:: "He meant Goodwill Games, darling."

Boris: "Oh."

Jane: "Weren't they fun?"

Ted: "A few glitches. Big deal."

Boris: "What is glitch ?"

Natasha: "A problem, darling."

Boris: "Then I will have him arrested."

Natasha: "Glitch is not person, darling."

Ted: "It's something gone wrong."

Jane: "Like a green swimming pool?"

Ted: "OK, so the water was a little green."

Jane: "Green as Castro's pajamas."

Ted: "So? You can't swim in green water?"

Jane: "Sure. If you're a crocodile."

Ted: "OK."

Jane: "If you're Pogo."

Ted: "OK. I get it."

Boris: "I see swimmer, she look like crouton in pea soup. Ha!"

Natasha: "Be nice, darling."

Ted: "But that was our only problem."

Jane: "Except the javelin catcher."

Boris: "Javelin catcher?"

Ted: "Oh, some judge wasn't looking, took a javelin like a spear."

Jane: "Almost turned him into a corn dog."

Boris: "What was judge's name?"

Natasha: "Kabob."

Ted: "Well, there won't be any glitches at the Atlanta Olympics, I guarantee you."

Boris: "No green pools?"

Ted: "Only outdoors."

Jane: "Too bad Russia missed the L.A. Olympics."

Boris: "Yes, we let you win basketball."

Ted: "Let us win?"

Boris: "You have no competition."

Ted: "I suppose you think you could beat our Dream Team, too?"

Boris: "Dream Team Two? T-W-O?"

Ted: "Yeah."

Boris: "Who is on it?"

Ted: "Shaquille O'Neal. Dominique Wilkins. Reggie Miller."

Boris: "Yes, we can defeat this team."

Ted: "How can you say that?"

Boris: "Excuse, please. But this Shaquille, this Dominique, this Reggie--how many championships they have won?"

Ted: "Uh . . . "

Boris: "I rest case."

Natasha: "Excellent, darling. You will please slap my hand and give to me five."

Jane: "Well, too bad."

Boris: "Too bad what?"

Jane: "Too bad Russia's all cut up into 11 or 12 different countries now."

Ted: "Yeah, too bad."

Jane: "Better stick to hockey."

Boris: "But perhaps your U.S. Olympic athletes will go on strike in 1996, like your baseball athletes."

Ted: "Go on strike?"

Boris: "For better wages."

Ted: "Never happen."

Boris: "Excuse, please. U.S. athletes now paid out in open, yes?"

Ted: "Yes."

Boris: "None of this 'amateur' nonsense?"

Ted: "No."

Boris: "Good! By 1996, U.S. athletes will demand many more millions of dollars and Russia will win swimming and gymnastics and basketball!"

Natasha: "Correct, darling."

Ted: "No way. Our athletes are true blue."

Jane: "Except in a Russian pool."

Ted: "Now, Jane."

Boris: "Your athletes couldn't beat Uzbekistan."

Natasha: "Your athletes couldn't spell Uzbekistan."

Ted: "Hold on, here."

Jane: "Our athletes can beat yours anytime, anyplace!"

Boris: "You mean like Nancy Kerrigan?"

Jane: "Oh, yeah?"

Boris: "Yeah!"

Ted: "Please! Let's have a little goodwill!"

Boris: "You are right. You are guest in St. Petersburg!"

Natasha: "Yes, come, Jane, we go to health club, work out."

Jane: "What color is the pool?"

Natasha: "Uh . . . "

Jane: "No wonder the San Francisco Giants never moved here."

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