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Laugh Lines : Jokes

August 08, 1994

In the news: Jay Leno, on President Clinton saying that he has not watched any of the Whitewater hearings on TV: "He said he tried to, but he couldn't hear them because of the paper shredder."

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Clinton aides being unable to remember so many events surrounding Whitewater: "They may not have helped the President, but they certainly did honor to the memory of Ronald Reagan."

David Letterman, on the Rolling Stones' planned visit (they didn't show) to the White House: "They had wanted to see the renovations done since they were first there during the Truman Administration."

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Tube talk: "Price Is Right" producers, worried about former model Dian Parkinson's sexual harassment suit against host Bob Barker, are considering a new emcee: Sen. Bob Packwood. Although dismayed, Barker said he was confident that "the show and its models would be left in very skilled hands."

--Roy Rivenburg

"Tragic news today: 'Family Feud' was taping one of those theme shows--the cast of 'Baywatch' against the cast from 'Models Inc.' They asked them a math question and all their heads exploded."

--Jay Leno

"My nephew is failing California geography. He thinks the Catalina Channel is a cable service that plays beach party movies and 'Baywatch' reruns."

--John Mayer

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In a recent Times poll, 8% of H. Ross Perot's supporters said they have had an encounter or experience with "a being from another planet." Of that group, reports comedy writer Tony Peyser, 91% said the alien creature was "short, had big ears and a grating Texas accent."

A Conway, Ark., woman pleaded guilty last week to putting laxatives in icing for a cake she sold in a yogurt store. Although 17 people became ill, not one is suing, says Peyser, "because they all lost weight and are fitting into pants they haven't worn in years."

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the Colorado company importing a marijuana-based salad dressing: "When sprinkled on lettuce, the dressing causes the salad to rise and mix itself."

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The doctor examined a 90-year-old man and, jokingly, told him that he would have to give up half of his sex life.

"Which half?" the elderly gentleman asked. "Thinking about it or talking about it?"

--Tom Freeman, Palm Springs

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Reader Elizabeth Bryer of North Hollywood tells of a friend who was marrying a man named Bill. He wanted to adopt her daughter, 7, so the three talked. The adults told the girl she could decide whether to keep her mother's name or take her new father's. The girl thought for a second, then answered:

"I don't want to be called Bill."

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