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LAUGH LINES : Jokes

August 09, 1994

In the news: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on reports that a cup of partially frozen ice cream may pinpoint the time of the slayings in the O.J. Simpson case: "In addition, the container also identifies a pair of new suspects: two white guys named Ben & Jerry."

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the beating the Administration has been taking at the Whitewater hearings: "The Clintons are now down to the Peter Pan defense. If you believe their story, clap your hands."

Jay Leno, on dragster Don (Big Daddy) Garlitts running for Congress: "Finally, a politician famous for something he's done in the front seat of the car."

Maine's governor is cracking down on sleepy truckers, blamed for numerous accidents there. Says comedy writer Mark Miller: "Maine will no longer accept the truckers' excuses that they dozed off while listening to the Whitewater hearings."

Miller, on President Clinton donating his Size 13 running shoes to a shoe museum: "Not to be outdone, Rush Limbaugh donated his jumbo-sized casserole pans to the Food Channel."

Reader Christine Lehman says she'll be glad when the bus strike ends: "Crabby, incompetent drivers, endless waits at the bus stops, passengers crammed like sardines in old, ill-equipped busses, not to mention . . . What do you mean, the strike is over? "

*

Showbiz news, from comedy writer Bob Mills:

* "NYPD Blue" star David Caruso is leaving the show after producers rejected his demands for more money and a transfer to the day shift.

* Gangsta rapper Lawrence Lee Thomas, arrested during a drugstore holdup, has been charged with armed robbery, aggravated assault and attempting to rhyme hostage with sausage .

* Movie pick of the week: Lassie, disguised as a Wolf, heads North into Clear and Present Danger to save a gang of Little Rascals terrorized by a Lion King high on Speed. "Airheads," she barks, "It Could Happen to You. Can't you see he's perpetrating True Lies by wearing a Mask to look like Forrest Gump?"

*

Among David Letterman's Top 10 signs of trouble in the Jackson-Presley marriage:

* Michael going through noses faster than ever.

* If completely normal people like Roseanne and Tom can't make it, these kids don't have a chance.

* Lately, Michael's been acting kind of weird.

* Four words: Marriage tips from Liz.

* He put "the Club" on the bedroom door.

* Michael spotted in Central Park with Soon-Yi.

* She wants the toilet seat left down, and he . . . well, actually no trouble there.

* Now they're both touching themselves.

*

Merdies Hayes says his niece claims to be a magician who can saw people in half. Impressed, he asked her what her family thought about it.

She replied: "My big brother thinks it's neat, but my half-sister is mad at me."

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