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LAUGH LINES : Jokes

August 29, 1994

In the news: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the Little League World Series: "Little League coaches don't have it easy. Pouting, tantrums, crying, jealousy. And once you get past the parents, you have to deal with the kids."

Ray, on Chelsea Clinton's sailing lessons: "She takes to the water differently than her dad. She's on a 17-foot catamaran. He's on a sinking ship."

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the Georgia school teacher disciplined because he denied students a moment of silence: "He obviously doesn't realize that kids today need some time to think: 'Did I remember to load my gun . . . pick up my free condoms . . . drop off the baby at day care?' "

Mills, on the Wyoming legal group that is offering lawyers a monthlong workshop on a 3,000-acre ranch: "The complete $2,900 package includes transportation, lodging and three feeding frenzies a day."

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the Agriculture Department saying that inspectors will now use a new scientific test instead of the old "see, touch, smell" method of detecting bacteria in meat: "In a related story, Madonna announced that she'll stick with the old method to choose her dates."

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the refugees at Guantanamo: "The Haitians and the Cubans aren't mixing well. Seems the Haitians are very snobbish; they have that 'we-were-detained-here-first' air of supremacy about them."

Hamilton, on the crime bill: "Some senators tried unsuccessfully to amend it. Republican moderates wanted to keep assault rifles legal, while GOP conservatives wanted to make them mandatory."

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the couple who won the $8.4-million Georgia Lottery while at a family reunion in New Jersey: "This means there was virtually no lag time for relatives to start sucking up and asking for loans."

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Jay Leno's entertainment news:

* On the Postal Service issuing stamps to honor the early greats of jazz and blues: "Very nice. But wouldn't it be nicer if some of the big record companies used some of these same stamps to mail the families of these legends some of the royalties they have screwed them out of over the years?"

* On actor Rip Torn suing actor Dennis Hopper over a statement the latter recently made about an incident that happened in the 1960s: "In a way, I feel sorry for Hopper's lawyers. Imagine if you had to go to court and your only defense is Dennis Hopper's memory of the 1960s."

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Reader John Braislin says that some years ago, he and his son attended a sex education program at the local grammar school. Following a presentation on venereal diseases, the doctor conducting the program asked if there were any questions.

One fifth-grader raised his hand, stood and asked: "If I have a venereal disease and I give it to someone else, do I still have it? "

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