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October 06, 1994

In the news: Jay Leno, on U.S. troops seizing Haitian television and radio stations: "I don't know what we are broadcasting, but I understand that Roger Clinton is now the No. 1 recording artist down there."

Leno, on Forbes magazine's list of the 400 richest Americans, which was published Monday: "The only change from last year, I think, is that O.J. is off the list and Robert Shapiro is on it."

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Senate candidate Mike Huffington denying that he signed deeds containing racial restrictions: "He referred all questions to his personal manager, Al Campanis."

Reader Gary Easley, on a ruling that California's gas chamber is cruel and unusual punishment: "That leaves the condemned with only two choices: death by injection or watching the Huffington/Feinstein commercials until losing the will to live."

No word yet on what the deposed police chief of Port-au-Prince will be doing now that he has fled to the Dominican Republic. Investigative comedy writer Tony Peyser has learned, however, that Lt. Col. Michel-Joseph Francois "is in serious negotiations with KFI to become a radio talk show host."

Peyser, on researchers claims that caffeine in coffee and other products is just as addictive as cigarettes, alcohol and drugs: "In a related story, the Philip Morris tobacco company announced it will soon begin manufacturing Mocha 100s."

Reader Gary Gluck, on the strikes/lockouts in pro sports: "Even thoroughbred racing is now jeopardized by the threat of a trainer-imposed celery cap."


Hooray for Hollywood: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the $11-million palimony suit against soon-to-be-ex "NYPD Blue" star David Caruso: "She once acted like his best gal. Now she's acting like an agent.

Comedy writer John Mayer, on preview screenings of "Star Trek: Generations": "Audiences have been most impressed with the scene where retired Adm. James T. Kirk rewards Capt. Jean-Luc Picard by passing him the official Federation hairpiece."

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the possibility that Judge Lance Ito will take O.J.'s trial off television: "Networks are used to these tantrums. Once the judge sees his 40-foot motor home with a star on the door, he'll come around."

Leno, on John Wayne Bobbitt's X-rated movie, which premiered last week: "I understand that Siskel and Ebert gave it half a thumb."

Leno, on the video release of "Jurassic Park": "How many people will buy it for the great acting? How many for the special effects? And how many will buy it just to see the lawyer get eaten again?"


When reader Chuck Hull of Simi Valley was driving with his wife and 3-year-old son, Jesse, they changed from one freeway to another. The merging lane went around a tight curve and led them to a major traffic jam with all cars stopped.

Jesse piped up: "Who turned off the freeway?"

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