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October 12, 1994

Among Christopher Columbus' Top 10 Pick-up Lines, according to David Letterman:

* "Come to this continent often?"

* "Can you help me navigate my way around that Wonderbra?"

* "Kiss me, I'm salty!"

* "How many gold doubloons for a lap dance?"

* "If all three of you come home with me, I'll name my ships after you."


In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the latest U.S. military actions: "First Haiti, then Iraq. Now Japan is nervous. It's afraid President Clinton is ordering his invasions alphabetically. "

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the President's speech Monday night: "He gave Hussein a clear warning. The words are resolute and decisive. Thank goodness Bush didn't erase the TelePrompTer."

Hamilton, on the Kuwaiti royal family: "They were so relieved when U.S. troops arrived. They really had a helluva scare. For a minute there, they thought we were coming to restore democracy."

Mills says that U.S. troops are praying that Saddam sees the light and withdraws, "according to company chaplin, Arianna Huffington."

Jay Leno, on last week's debate on CNN between Dianne Feinstein and Mike Huffington: "It looked like Sally Field yelling at Forrest Gump."


Also in the news: Hamilton, on Haitian Lt. Gen. Raoul Cedras stepping down from power Monday: "His old enemies offered to honor him with a 21-gun salute. Cedras turned that down--and the cigarette too."

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Cedras' future: "He will become an independent dictator with an exclusive deal to produce juntas for Sony."

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the two American doctors winning the Nobel Prize for medicine: "They recently performed a modern miracle. Both showed up for an appointment on time."


Survey says . . . Ray on the new sex statistics:

* "The average duration for sex is 15 minutes. This always raises an interesting challenge for men--what to do with the other 14."

* "Over a lifetime, average males have six sex partners and females have two. Somewhere in this country are a few very popular women."

Comedy writer Leslie Coogan, on results showing that self-gratification among both men and women increases with education and income: "Sure. They're smart enough to know they won't really go blind, and they can afford to take themselves to dinner."


Reader Pam Pedace of Cerritos overheard her niece and nephew horsing around the other day. Jeremy, 8, told Morgan, 5, that he was going to "kick her butt" all the way to Pluto.

"Pluto?" replied Morgan. "Oh, Pluto lives at Disneyland, and I can just walk home from there."

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