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October 27, 1994

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on Time magazine's story about public schools: "The cover shows a kid raising his hand in class. That's not how it is today. Shouldn't he be raising both hands?"

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on President Clinton's conduct in the Middle East: "He embarrassed Egyptian President Mubarak when he kept asking if he could meet Omar Sharif. Then he kept badgering the Morrocan president about whether he thought Humphrey Bogart should have put Ingrid Bergman on the plane at the end of 'Casablanca.' "

Mills, on the sure sign that fall has arrived in Washington: "Sen. Jesse Helms has switched from his summer white hood to winter khaki."

Comedy writer Marc Holmes, on research that links weight gains to arthritis: "I guess that's why Liz Taylor's new perfume smells like Ben-Gay."

Comedy writer Michael Connor, on parents suing a California school district over its sex education curriculum: "They became outraged when they learned that the only contraceptive introduced to students was a nude photo of Bob Barker."

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on charges being dropped against two San Diego Padres arrested in April for patronizing prostitutes: "No one said they slept with the women, just that they made disparaging remarks about their clothes and profession."

Jay Leno, on a tear-jerking scene in the soon-to-be released Star Trek movie, "Generations": "Capt. Picard is freezing to death on an isolated planet. And to save his life, Capt. Kirk beams down his toupee."


Briefly: "Oliver North hopes to make the transition from lying to Congress to lying in Congress."

--Ray Gardina, Panorama City "I miss the good old days when television was more concerned with T 'n' A than DNA."

--Arly Barly * "If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards."

* "If you have to choose between two evils, select the one you haven't tried before."

--Hank Kovell, Beverly Hills "Here's a news flash: Scientists think they have isolated the gene that causes Fox television."

--Bruce Bellingham, San Francisco "Do you remember King Midas? Everything he touched turned to mufflers."

--Tom Freeman, Palm Springs "Why is it that all great historical battles happened right next door to souvenir shops?"

--Gags Gang/Funny Suff newsletter *

Reader Nabil Captan of Fountain Valley was helping his son, 9, with social studies homework when the boy's brother, 4, insisted that he participate. As usual, the older boy wanted to challenge the youngest: "OK, Sammy, let me ask you this question: When did the early settlers come to California?"

Sammy immediately replied: "Six o'clock."

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