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Bad Heir Week

October 28, 1994|ROY RIVENBURG | TIMES STAFF WRITER

Charles, Prince of Wales and Earl of Chester, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay, Earl of Plumbing and Baron of Those Little Plastic Things on the Ends of Shoelaces, Duke of Earl and Great Steward of Chee-tos, arrives in L.A. on Monday.

Well, actually, Charles gets here Monday, but there wasn't enough room on the plane for his full title, so it arrives Tuesday on a separate flight.

In any case, some people are worried that Britain's heir to the throne is so booked with black-tie dinners and boring tete-a-tetes with dignitaries that he won't get to experience the real Los Angeles.

Not to fear. We've dreamed up a five-day itinerary designed to bring ultimate embarrassment and disgrace to the Royal Family.

Why? Because we're The Media, of course.

Day One

- Questioned by lawyers as a potential juror in the O.J. Simpson case. Dismissed after London tabloid releases photos of Princess Di frolicking in the nude with Judge Lance Ito during trip to France.

- Poses in new advertisement for the Gap: "His Royal Highness wears khakis."

- Tea with Oliver Stone, then rescues passengers aboard doomed MTA bus programmed to explode if it goes slower than 50 m.p.h.

Day Two

- Announces at news conference that he is giving up watercolor painting and henceforth wishes to be called "the prince formerly known as artist."

- Visits Disneyland, tries to claim the castle for Mother England. Later confers with Dumbo about "the ear thing."

- Appears on "Love Connection" under the alias "Chucky W." Wins date to Viper Room.

Day Three

- Arrested for hijacking Queen Mary and taking it on harbor joy ride. News reporters checking rumors of the royal incarceration call jail officials to ask, "Do you have Prince Charles in the can?"

- Makes intimate phone calls to Heidi Fleiss.

- In an effort to "mix with the common people," joins a group of graffiti taggers defacing freeway signs. When the group is later caught, His Almost Majesty's mum is ordered to pay cleanup costs for her son's handiwork.

Day Four

- Announces that he will marry Roseanne because "neither of us has a last name."

- Appears on "Leeza Gibbons" talk show for the topic "Men who wear plaid skirts."

- Hosts royal banquet with Larry King, Rodney King, Don King, Carole King, the Lion King, Billie Jean King and the L.A. Kings. Afterward, in what is billed as a "major public policy address," denounces Rose Bowl officials for "always having a parade queen, but never a king."

Day Five

- Tours wax museum in Buena Park, remolds Di's face to look like Camilla Parker-Bowles.

- Receives unexpected challenge to throne when Mike Huffington abruptly moves to England and buys TV ads attacking Charles as "a career monarch who will do anything to stay in the Royal Family."

- Driving on left side of the road, causes massive pileup on Santa Monica Freeway. Transported to County-USC Medical Center, where doctors--in a pre-Proposition 187 frenzy--deport him for not having a green card.

*

* Doug Adrianson, Ann Harrison, Linda Sator Harrison, Bea Maxwell and Heather Stewart contributed to this fantasy.

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