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LAUGH LINES : Jokes

October 31, 1994

In the news: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Warren Christopher taking credit for the Middle East peace treaty: "Now that he's bridged the gap between Jordan and Israel, he's on to a much tougher assignment: Charles and Diana."

Comedy writer Michael Connor, on Senate candidate Mike Huffington's question, "Who among us has not broken the law?": "He may not win the election, but he certainly sounds senatorial."

Comic Argus Hamilton, on "Crossing the Threshold of Hope," the Pope's new book: "It's selling very well in Los Angeles. Judge Lance Ito just ordered everyone not to read it.

The American Assn. of Retired People is warning its members that scam artists prey on the elderly, says writer Marc Alan Holmes. "Who else could convince so many old ladies that blue hair dye looks good?"

Comedy writer Ray says the Minnesota Medical Journal charges that the field of medicine uses the wrong Greek symbol: "They suggest a snake around a staff should replace what doctors have traditionally honored--the dollar sign."

Recent studies indicate that the universe is somewhere between 8 billion and 12 billion years old, a good deal younger than had been believed. Says Comedy writer Tony Peyser: "Scientists are now confident the universe spent some time in California and began lying about its age."

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Among David Letterman's Top Ten surprises in the new sex survey:

* Most common sites for sex other than bedroom: car, living room and Oval Office.

* Most common teen-age male sex fantasy: a partner.

* Men finished the survey more quickly than women.

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Politics, law and disorder: Comedy writer Peyser reports that a recent survey shows that 51% plan to spend the extra hour gained from daylight savings time exercising. The other 13% will sleep and 8% will hang out with family and friends. "As for O.J.'s attorneys, they said they are just happy to have that extra billable hour."

Ray on the Toys R Us announcement that their stores will begin selling a scale model of the United States House of Representatives: "It's like the real thing--the congressmen have to be bought separately."

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Last Halloween night, reader Bob Aguirre of Inglewood answered the door, expecting the usual "trick-or-treat" chant. Instead, a three-foot clown peered up at him with soulful eyes and a bag nearly as big as the little tyke. From the sidewalk, a voice called out, "What do you tell the man, honey?" Eyes still fixed on him, the boy said:

"I gotta go potty."

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