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LAUGHLINES : Jokes

November 03, 1994

In the news: Jay Leno, on the end of Daylight Saving Time: "Had a strange thing happen. I turned the clock back on my O.J. Simpson watch, and I gained an hour I couldn't account for."

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on news cameramen wearing Robert Shapiro masks on Halloween: "By the time he realized his mistake, O.J. had already paid them $27,000."

Reader Alex Kaseberg of La Jolla, on the White House gunman: "He left a rambling suicide note and, strangely enough, requested that it be read by Robert Kardashian."

Mills, on jury selection for the Heidi Fleiss trial: "It's a little different. The lawyers point to pictures of prospects in a photo album, then meet them later in a hotel bar."

*

Political watch: David Letterman, on Ted Kennedy's massive campaign spending: "Of course, he gets $2 million of that back when he returns his empties."

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Nancy Reagan calling Ollie North a liar: "Ronald Reagan later added his opinion: 'Ollie was never the same after he broke up with Stan.' "

Comedy writer Michael Connor, on Mike Huffington's $20-million TV campaign: "He did a great job with the advertising. Now if only he had worked on the product."

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on H. Ross Perot backing Texas Gov. Ann Richards against George W. Bush: "Asked to comment, Perot's 1992 running mate, Adm. James Stockdale, said, 'Where am I?' "

*

The Royals: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the Prince Chuck-Princess Di divorce settlement: "They've got the child custody worked out. His servants get them three days a week and her servants get them four."

Mills, on Chuck's visit to L.A.: "He said Wednesday that he would definitely be single by the end of next year. That was following a half-hour Ouija board session with Arianna Huffington."

*

An old maid spent a weekend in the country, and while there, saw a bull and a heifer put into a breeding pen. The bull seemed to lack interest, so the farmer rubbed a sandstone back and forth between the bull's horns. With this stimulation, his interest soon turned to the heifer.

Upon returning to the city, the spinster was asked if she had learned anything from her country visit. She pondered a moment, then replied: "Well, I learned why there are so many baldheaded men."

--Jim Hulgan, Azusa *

Reader Tonia Haney of Redondo Beach says that her son Patrick, 5, recently wanted to know about when he "lived in her tummy." Demanding specific details, he asked:

"Did you swallow me whole, or take little bites?"

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