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LAUGH LINES : Jokes

November 09, 1994

The election is over, the results are known.

The will of the people is clearly shown.

Let's make up our differences and forget our past.

I'll hug your elephant and you kiss my . . .

*

Election watch: A politician's worst fear was realized by many candidates Tuesday night, says comedy writer Tony Peyser: "Here you are, in the final days of a close race and you run out of mud."

David Letterman, on the ugly campaign: "You look at some of these races around the country, and you think it's just a damn shame somebody has to win."

Jay Leno, on Mike Huffington saying that California's U.S. Sens. Dianne Feinstein and Barbara Boxer are the "Thelma and Louise" of American politics: "That has got to be tough for them, being attacked by the Forrest Gump of American politics."

Leno, on how desperate the U.S. Senate candidates are in Virginia: "Oliver North told the truth, and Chuck Robb had sex with his own wife."

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Arianna Huffington at the polls: "She said she not only voted for Mike, she also had an 'out-of-voting-booth experience.' "

*

In the news: Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, on a Postal Service critic's proposal to charge cheaper rates where mail service is bad: "That'd leave the higher rates for an area the size of a postage stamp."

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Navy women in San Diego charging instructors with sexual harassment: "This makes one Army and two Navy incidents in the past year. Who says Bill Clinton doesn't provide military leadership?"

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the 80-million-year-old dinosaur egg found in the Mongolian desert: "Scientists say its texture closely resembles one of another era: the No. 2 breakfast at Denny's."

Ray, on the 94-year-old man who got seven years in prison for armed robbery: "He had asked for a lesser sentence: life."

*

The Simpson: Peyser, on Judge Lance Ito allowing TV coverage to continue: "He did rule, however, that from now on Robert Urich will play the role of prosecutor William Hodgman."

Leno says he hopes neither of the two postal employees on the O.J. jury is elected foreman: "Imagine reaching for the verdict and the foreman says, 'We lost the envelope, your honor.' "

Comedy writer Michael Connor, on law schools using the O.J. case to teach students: "It's tough doing classroom role playing. Everyone wants to play the part of Robert Shapiro's wallet."

*

On a recent family outing to a park, Huntington Beach reader Maurice Aker Jr. says his granddaughter collected about 10 minnows in a cup. As they prepared to leave, her mom suggested she return the fish to the stream, as their mommy would miss them.

Without batting an eye, the little girl replied: "I got the mommy, too."

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