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Laugh Lines : Jokes

November 30, 1994

In the news: Reader R. Alex Kaseberg of La Jolla, on the autopsy performed on Jeffrey Dahmer: "It was unsuccessful in determining the cause of death. But they did find Jimmy Hoffa."

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Mike Huffington refusing to concede and claiming there was overwhelming voter fraud: "He's right. An overwhelming number of voters agreed that he's a fraud."

Comedy writer Michael Connor, on the LAPD buying land from the DWP: "The price on the DWP land went from one dollar to $6 million--and that's not even a record rate hike for the DWP."

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the baby born aboard a TWA flight at 30,000 feet: "A flight attendant prepared baby 'formula' by mixing powdered coffee creamer and club soda. And 16 passengers chose it over the roast chicken with capers." Mills adds that after the plane landed at Dulles, "the newborn was traced to a luggage carousel at LaGuardia."

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on today's 64th birthday of Watergate participant G. Gordon Liddy: "He plans to celebrate by hiring some Cubans to break into a bakery and steal a cake."

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Also in the news: Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Russian officials dunking Lenin's body in chemicals for 60 days each year to keep it preserved: "They got the idea from the Gabor sisters."

Comedy writer Leslie Coogan, on Newt Gingrich: "His doctorate is in modern European history. If he'd read more American history, he might be more familiar with our little one-pager: the Constitution."

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the success of "Generations," the new Star Trek film: "You can always spot a Trekkie at the theater. There's only one thing he doesn't have. A life."

Reader Ben Green of Westlake Village, on the Gilroy man charged with shooting a robotic deer he thought was real: "His sentence includes a fine and 100 hours of community service--at Circuit City."

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Heal thyselves . . . Comedy writer Gary Easley says a medical board is not suspending a surgeon's license for leaving a patient's brain exposed in the middle of an operation and taking off for lunch, but because he forgot to bill for his sandwich and coffee.

Ryan, on two Massachusetts doctors fined $10,000 for a fistfight during surgery: "They were arguing over who would get to remove the wallet."

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Philadephia's mayor firing three 911 operators because he said they were rude and abusive, and ignored cries for help: "They never should have hired nurses in the first place."

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Reader Elsie Anzalone of Lakewood says that when her son, 6, came home from school one day, she learned he and a classmate had exchanged clothes and shoes, and even copied each other's hairstyles. "Why would you do something like that?" she asked.

"We decided," he said, "to fool the teacher."

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