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LAUGH LINES : Jokes

March 02, 1995

Among the least known Grammy categories, according to comedy writer Kevin S. Healey:

* Best use of the word thang in a rap recording.

* Best accidental body noise in a live recording.

* Best country song not about death, divorce or unemployment.

* Best attempt at rap by a white guy.

* Best pop male hairpiece.

Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on Wednesday's awards show: "Paul Reiser was an appropriate host. He's a comedian, and the Grammys are usually a joke."

*

In the news: Comic Jenny Church, on the controversial computer program Security Administrator Tool for Analyzing Networks (SATAN): "It's dangerous to use SATAN on your computer unless you have installed a screen savior. . . . To exit SATAN, type a.priest . . . . For your work to be saved, the command is Repent ."

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on a poll showing that 81% of people have thanked God for financial well-being: "About 49% prayed for financial guidance, and 37% have taken the Lord's name in vain while doing their taxes."

David Letterman, on why he is encouraged by the Republican Congress: "Today they rejected a bill by Sonny Bono to make every Thursday national karaoke night."

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on a federal judge halting logging in parts of Humboldt County forest: "He said loggers threatened the habitat of the spotted owl and three Hooters restaurants."

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Gov. Pete saying California should be color-blind: "Ignoring colors should be a snap. We already can't see the poor, the disabled and the homeless."

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the balanced budget: "So many people went to school on the GI Bill, bought their first homes through the FHA and have parents on Medicare. It's high time we got the government off our backs."

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Cirque du O.J.: "Marcia Clark better be careful taking the 'moral high ground.' Lawyers aren't used to that rarefied atmosphere and often have trouble breathing." (Mills)

* "Notice how Carl Douglas is the one who always pretends to have messed up? Forget Lee Majors. Carl Douglas is 'The Fall Guy.' " (Cutler)

* "Kato Kaelin is probably the funniest and spaciest house guest since 'My Favorite Martian.' " (Cutler)

* "Bill Pavelic, the investigator who interviewed Rosa Lopez, wasn't in court Tuesday. He was at a luncheon being honored as Coach of the Year." (Mills)

* "Judge Ito ordered Johnnie Cochran to pay for Lopez's accommodations. But the new Rolls Royce was solely Johnnie's idea." (Brad Halpern)

*

After Temple City reader Victor Gutierrez helped bathe young son Brett, he combed the boy's hair and told him to go show his mom how cute he looked. "You look just like Macaulay Culkin!" Brett's mom said. Gutierrez, who overheard her comment, watched as his son rushed back and said:

"Mom says I look just like Johnnie Cochran!"

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.

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