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LAUGH LINES : Jokes

March 10, 1995

In the news: Comic Jenny Church, on the declining value of the dollar: "It took such a sudden dive that Alan Greenspan got the bends."

Adds David Letterman: "It's falling faster than Leona Helmsley's face."

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the GOP bickering and threatening to break up this week: "The Republicans had better stop acting like a broken family or the Democrats will offer them welfare."

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Democrats demanding that Sen. Ben Nighthorse Campbell return $250,000 in campaign funds, after he switched to Republican: "It's a tough choice. If he's broke, the GOP won't want him either."

Ryan, on the patients who were mistakenly connected to a sex line when they called an Illinois medical center: "Insurers became suspicious when the patients felt better immediately and the companies got billed for a lot less."

Comedy writer Buddy Baron, on Washington's proposed downtown sports arena: "Best suggested name so far: The Chalk Outline Dome ."

Premiere Radio's Morning Sickness, on experts putting out ladybugs and larvae in an attempt to lure the swallows back to San Juan Capistrano: "Why don't they just put out a bunch of clean cars?"

Jay Leno, on how exclusive the new $340,000 Rolls Royce is: "The cup holder is a guy named Charles."

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the legal reform bill: "Lawyers give it mixed reviews. It discourages lawsuits. But it raises the speed limit for ambulance chasing to 65 miles per hour."

Reader Jerry Perisho of Whittier, on the Sloan Digital Sky Survey, which will map 50 million galaxies and 70 million stars: "It'll take light years just to refold the map."

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In the nudes: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the female NYPD officer fired for posing nude in Playboy: "The centerfold was discovered completely by chance when the chief bought a copy just to read the interview."

* "What kind of country fires a 25-year-old woman for posing topless, but lets 50-year-old Dennis Franz run around bottomless?" (Leno)

* "The NYPD lost two of its finest." (Stan Kaplan)

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Cirque du O.J.: "If Detective Tom Lange had started Rogaine the first day that he went on the witness stand, he would have a full head of hair by now." (Leno)

* "The defense is trying to say Detective Mark Fuhrman is an Aryan racist because a cartoon on his desk contained a Nazi insignia. I have cobwebs under my desk. Doesn't make me Spiderman." (Cutler Rock Comedy Network)

* "The defense claims it has no desire to use Fuhrman as a race card. But it did ask prosecutors to shuffle his files before turning them over." (Brad Halpern)

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Santa Monica reader Jane Lochte asked her son, Bryson, and his friend Charlotte what kinds of foods they liked. Charlotte said crab was her favorite. "How do you like it?" Lochte asked.

Before she could answer, Bryson offered a possible answer: "Dead?"

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