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LAUGH LINES : Jokes

March 17, 1995

Smilin' eyes: Among the least-known facts about St. Patrick, according to comedy writer Mark Miller:

* Real name: Pat Lipschitz.

* Invented Irish Spring soap.

* Not only drove snakes out of Ireland, had them made into boots.

* Was instrumental in having Ireland's official greeting changed from, "Hey, how's it hangin'?" to "Top of the mornin' to ya."

More blarney: "An important St. Pat's reminder: A Shamrock Shake should be the only green food you get this week at McDonald's." (Kevin S. Healey)

Today, everyone's Irish, even the Dream Team: "O.J.'s high-priced lawyers will celebrate St. Paddy's day by the wearin' of the green. His." (Jenny Church)

* "Too bad St. Patrick isn't alive today. Maybe he could drive all the snakes out of the Simpson case." (Healey)

Shall we continue? Let's. Cirque du O.J.:

* "Good weather today in California. Apparently Gov. Pete Wilson was able to persuade F. Lee Bailey to just blow the storm out to sea. (Jay Leno)

* "Bailey claims to have another witness to discredit Mark Fuhrman, and says he spoke to him, 'Marine to Marine.' Gomer Pyle was later revealed to be the 'surprise, surprise, surprise' witness." (Premiere Radio's Morning Sickness)

* "Bailey claims he spoke to Max Cordoba, 'Marine to Marine.' But he fails to mention that it was lieutenant colonel to private." (Bob Mills)

* "Bailey was so flustered Thursday that he once said, 'The evidence clearly shows the innocence of my client, Dr. Sam Sheppard.' " (Tony Peyser)

* "Now there are accusations by the prosecution that Cordoba was coached--by Rosa Lopez." (Paul Ryan)

* "Did you see Bailey take out this glove? He held up a rubber glove and Fuhrman is going, How far is this examination going to go? " (Leno)

* "Bailey has said the 'N-word' so many times he's been offered a job as a writer for Richard Pryor." (Brad Halpern)

*

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on the baseball strike: "The players may have to get real jobs soon, but they've been protected from reality too long. One knocked on my door yesterday and offered to mow the lawn--for $60,000."

Hamilton, on the joint U.S./Russia space mission: "They are hoping to combine the best technology from both nations. Picture a space station with a $10,000 toilet seat and no toilet paper."

Rancho Palos Verdes reader Nissen Davis on Orange County Sheriff Brad Gates' announcement that budget cuts would end the gang education program: "Now the graffiti artists will never learn how to spell."

Church, on Rush Limbaugh urging listeners to call news organizations and demand that they "stop lying about the school lunch program": "Yeah, tell us the truth! What do they really put in the meatloaf?"

*

When Janet Hamilton of Newport Beach returned from skiing with a sore neck, son Mark, 7, offered a massage. Halfway through, he announced the service would cost her $1. "But I thought you loved me?" Hamilton pleaded.

"I do," Mark replied. "Otherwise, it would cost you $20."

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