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March 24, 1995

In the news: Comic Jenny Church, on Phil Gramm's remarks that he is the one Republican candidate who can chew up President Clinton and spit him out: "Some choice. The people can vote for the President who sleeps around or the senator who masticates."

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the scam that billed Medicare for golf club memberships, gourmet popcorn and BMWs: "Newt Gingrich's outraged. The only cars used in such scams should be made in America."

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Japanese cult suspected in the subway gas attack: "They think the world will end in '97. The Pat Buchanan campaign gets more respect abroad than at home."

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the chocolate company making candy bars with pictures of people having sex: "They melt in your mouth and in your hand."

Premiere Radio's Morning Sickness, on the NBC show based on the horror film "The Omen": "They went with the original title after rejecting 'Leave It to Beelzebub' and 'That Darn Antichrist.' "


Plane scary: Among Kevin S. Healey's top 10 possible airline spending cuts:

* "If you want ice, go out on the wing and get it like everybody else."

* "Carry-on items must fit in pants of guy in front of you."

* "In-flight movies subbed with flashlight and finger puppet shows."

* "Seat belts replaced by group hugs."

* "Two-drink maximum in first class, three-drink maximum in cockpit."


Cirque du O.J.: "At the trial, Kato Kaelin's been so entertaining on the witness stand, Judge Ito imposed a cover charge and a two-drink minimum." (Premiere)

* "When Marcia Clark asked Kaelin where he was between 9 and 11, he said, 'Third grade.' " (Alex Kaseberg)

* "Kaelin's proof that Gilligan and Ginger had a child." (Argus Hamilton)

* "In return for free plugs, McDonald's now features a new Kato Sandwich: thin slices of uncured ham boiled in a Jacuzzi served on two slices of half-baked Hollywood bread." (Bob Mills)

* "As part of its rush judgment against O.J., the defense claims the police failed to interrogate Tony Orlando about the mysterious three knocks." (Cutler Rock Comedy Network)

* "Those three thumps may end up costing taxpayers. Kaelin's seeking workers' comp for bruised knuckles." (Mills)

* "The telephone records may look accurate, but Robert Shapiro promises that surprise witness Candice Bergen will blow them out of the water." (Mills)

* "Defense lawyer Alan Dershowitz should limit his trial commentary appearances. On 'Nightline' this week, he inexplicably started bashing the cops on 'NYPD Blue.' " (Peyser)


A grandson of a pal of Lake Forest reader Jerry Moseley retrieved a pacifier for his baby sister. He brought it over as his mother instructed, placed it in the infant's mouth and said:

"There, Mom, I plugged her in."

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