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LAUGH LINES : Jokes

March 28, 1995

Hooray for Hollywood . . . Overheard last night by comedy writer Bob Mills, at the 67th Academy Awards (and he wasn't even there):

* "Sorry, but these appear to be Lakers tickets, Mr. Nicholson."

* "Best actor goes to Gov. Pete Wilson, for his acceptance speech promising supporters that he'd serve his full four-year term."

* "Sorry, Woody, but the age limit is 16."

* "Call an ambulance! Ebert just sat on Siskel."

* "Could you please pull that limo forward just as soon as you drop off your passenger, Mr. Cowlings?"

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the one little goof at the Oscars: "A presenter opened the envelope and a knife was inside. Oops, wrong envelope."

*

Cirque du O.J.: "Monday was Kato's fifth day on the witness stand. It's the first time he's been allowed to sit around somewhere for five days without having to pick up somebody's dry cleaning." (Kevin S. Healey)

* "Clairol has unveiled its newest shade: Dishwater Kato." (Alex Kaseberg)

* "Kato is rapidly joining those celebrities referred to by one name: Cher, Madonna, Roseanne and, of course, Judy, the Time-Life operator." (Kaseberg)

* "Kato Kaelin: The man who would be Zonker Harris." (Randy Amasia)

* "The Rev. Jesse Jackson visited O.J. in jail Sunday. That's bad news for Simpson. Al Sharpton can't be far behind." (Kaseberg)

Multiple choice: Kato, the man (A), the dog (B), or both (C):

* Good with children.

* Makes plaintive wail at night.

* Willing to go home with strangers.

* Can't sit still.

* Knows more than willing or able to say. (Roman Major)

*

Hail to the chief: President Clinton had his annual physical last week . . .

* "His blood pressure was acceptable, but doctors did treat him for chafing from years of straddling the fence." (Jerry Perisho)

* "His body fat and cholesterol were way down, but his Republican count is way too high." (Paul Ryan)

* "Ever cooperative, he immediately stripped to his underwear--at the nurses' station." (Alan Ray)

* "They gave him a treadmill test. That's no big deal. He's been running in place for two years now. (Jay Leno)

* "Doctors called a vet in to consult, but after a brief exam of the President's feet, he said it is too early to declare Clinton a lame duck." (Mills)

*

In the news: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Gov. Wilson touring the Museum of Tolerance last week with a visiting King Hussein: "Pete had no comment when asked if the museum might someday have a Proposition 187 exhibit."

Ryan, on the only male salmon that made it back to its Idaho spawning ground: "Wouldn't you know it? The female he tried to hit on was Mrs. Paul."

*

Cypress reader Penelope D. Berman's daughter Talia, 3, was playing with a toy lizard. When she was asked the lizard's name, Talia offered a possibility:

"The Lizard of Oz?"

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.

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