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LAUGH LINES : Jokes

June 05, 1995

The Public Dole . . . Sen. Bob blames Hollywood for the nation's violence and decline in morality:

* "Dole says this culture doesn't reflect the kind of people he represents: hard-working, red-blooded lobbyists." (Alan Ray)

* "He says Washington must hold Hollywood accountable. Isn't that kind of like Sodom checking up on Gomorrah?" (Jay Leno)

* "How humiliating it must be for Sen. Dole--taking political cues from Dan Quayle." (Cutler Comedy Rock Network)

* "He said that if it were up to him, the name of the movie 'French Kiss' would be changed to 'Firm Handshake.' " (Leno)

* "Gotta hand it to Dole. Over 70, and still limber enough to bend over backward to kiss the right wing's butt." (Cutler)

*

In the news: Ray, on alleged improprieties at the UC Irvine fertility clinic: "Some doctors didn't follow standard procedures. After insemination, you're not supposed to ask: 'Was it good for you?' "

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on the President's Montana horseback ride: "Before this, the only one to ever call him 'Wild Bill' was Gennifer Flowers."

Ray, on increased White House security to stop intruders: "It's a safety thing. If some wacko gets on the fence, he might bump into the President."

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Ross Perot summoning the GOP presidential hopefuls to Dallas before he decides whether to run: "It's too bad he's not the Pope. Then the candidates would only have to kiss his ring."

Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on the new topless doughnut shop in Portland, Me.: "It brings an entirely new meaning to the question, 'One lump or two?' "

*

Cirque du O.J.: "It's still undecided whether Kansas City Chiefs running back Marcus Allen will be called. Judge Ito has hinted that he may settle for a first-round draft pick and a defensive end to be named later." (Bob Mills)

* "No wonder Al Davis let Marcus go to the Chiefs. Allen was gaining more ground at O.J.'s house than he was for the Raiders." (Paul Ecker)

* "With the use of a stereo microscope, scientists were able to locate the jury pool." (Ray)

* "Reports say Rosa Lopez is engaged to be married. Boy, that's every man's dream: A woman who can clean your house and give you alibis." (Leno)

* "The movie 'Casper' is about a ghost, all form and no substance, who floats around a house, eventually taking it over. Producers got the idea from watching Johnnie Cochran at the Rockingham estate." (Mills)

*

When Canyon Country reader Howard Wilczynski added a CD-ROM drive to his home computer, daughter Amanda, 7, watched with interest as he looked through a multimedia encyclopedia. He let her investigate it, so she looked up malls, candy and a few other topics. Suddenly, she typed in God. After receiving her response, she looked disappointed. When he asked her why she'd looked up God, she replied:

"I wanted to see if there was a picture."

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.

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