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LAUGH LINES : Jokes

June 14, 1995

In the news: Jay Leno, on President Clinton hosting Capt. Scott O'Grady at the White House: "They spent a lot of time together and swapped war stories. O'Grady described how he avoided the Serb military, and Clinton described how he avoided the American military."

* Adds comedy writer Bob Mills: "Clinton later sought advice from the pilot on how to avoid being flushed into the open by Dole and Gingrich."

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on L.A. Mayor Richard Riordan upholding the police commission's reprimand of Chief Willie L. Williams for accepting a free room at a Vegas casino: "Riordan also criticized Williams for repeatedly standing on 12 while playing blackjack."

* Adds comedy writer Brad Halpern: "Williams says he will appeal Riordan's ruling and take it to a higher authority--the pit boss at Caesars Palace."

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on Sunday's Clinton/Gingrich meeting with senior citizens: "It was like a friendly talk show. I kept waiting for one of them to talk about Frank, Cody and Carnival Cruise Lines."

Comic Argus Hamilton, on The Newt telling CNN that his approval ratings are so low because he has been leading a revolution: "So did George Washington. But he never took money from Rupert Murdoch."

Leno, on the cruise ship Royal Majesty running aground off the coast of Nantucket: "Did you see that? Apparently, it hit Ted Kennedy's car."

Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on NASA saying it has proof of the Big Bang theory on the creation of the universe: "Officials say evidence includes leftover helium, traces of carbon, cheap wine and another universe's phone number."

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on "Batman Forever," which opens Friday: "The story line is pretty predictable: A group of greedy producers try to rip off the public with a cheesy sequel."

Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on Sylvester Stallone and super-model Angie Everhart breaking off their engagement: "He's now dating a model that he dated two models ago. He's had more models than the Ford Thunderbird."

Cutler Rock Comedy, on how O.J. spent the night of the first anniversary of his ex-wife's murder: "His lawyers say that he was sleeping. No wait. He was . . . uh . . . hitting golf balls. No wait. He he was . . . uh . . . getting ready for a trip."

*

Together, we're the . . . Among the rejected slogans for Los Angeles, according to Mills:

* L.A.: The chalk outline city.

* Follow the graffiti to paradise.

* L.A.: Where even your waiter is a star.

* L.A.: Stairway to the stars' cells.

*

L.A. reader Melodee E. Sutton's sister Breana, 4, told their mother that she knew the sound a frog makes. "What is it?" Breana's mom asked.

The girl replied: "Bud . . . weis . . . er."

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.

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