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June 21, 1995

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on the $16-billion Senate bill held up over logging rights: "Lumber mills have one good question: If two teens can breed in the back seat of a Volkswagen, why do spotted owls need 2,000 acres?"

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Connie Chung and Maury Povich adopting a baby boy, Matthew Jay: "His real name is Dan, but Connie had it changed."

Jay Leno, on a recent tire company survey that revealed 38% of men love their car more than they love women: "You have to look at the reasoning behind it. When you are trying to find out what's wrong with your car, it doesn't go 'nothing' or 'I don't know.' "

Jon Stewart, on the cancellation of his late-night TV talk show: "If I've learned one thing, it's that it's really hard to sneak out a desktop computer past even the most incompetent of security guards."

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the man outfitted by doctors with a remote-controlled implant to cure his impotence: "His wife isn't happy--all he does is channel surf all day."


Sports shorts . . . Hamilton, on the President calling to congratulate new U.S. Open golf champion Corey Pavin: "Clinton is a confirmed golf addict. His 1996 campaign slogan is: How about a mulligan? "

Cutler Comedy Network, on Darryl Strawberry joining the Yankees: "He may tune up in Triple A. He's spent plenty of time in AA. . . . The Yanks may make him a designated hitter. They certainly won't make him a designated driver."

Cutler, on some religious groups protesting the name of hockey's New Jersey Devils: "Satan doesn't have anything to do with hockey. He's too busy messing with baseball."


Cirque du O.J.: "FBI shoe expert William J. Bodziak has impeccable credentials: B.S. from Columbia, Ph.D. from Harvard, and an honors certificate of completion from the Imelda Marcos International Instep Institute." (Mills)

* "William J. Bodziak? Isn't he the guy who advised J. Edgar Hoover whether to wear pumps or heels?" (Jerry Perisho)

* "Christopher Darden may be about to make another prosecutorial faux pas. His next shoe expert is Dr. Scholl." (Mills)

* "If prosecutors plan to have O.J. try on a pair of shoes, I hope they first remember to remove the wad of tissue inside the toe." (Brad Halpern)

* "Leather gloves and expensive Italian soft-suede shoes worn with a knit watch cap? O.J.'s lucky Mr. Blackwell isn't on the jury." (Bob Lacey)


Richard Lee Colvin of Altadena was clipping roses after work when he caught the sleeve of his favorite dress shirt on a thorn and tore it. Later, he told daughter Laura, 5, that he was sad about it. Citing the philosophy of "The Lion King," she replied:

"Dad, you're going to have to get used to things like that in the Circle of Life."

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