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LAUGH LINES : Jokes

June 26, 1995

Together, we're the . . . Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the new dip in Hollywood Boulevard: "It came as a complete surprise. Most Hollywood insiders weren't expecting to see anything sink that fast until the opening of 'Waterworld.' "

* "Bob Dole is clairvoyant. Hollywood has sunk to a new low." (Jerry Perisho)

* "It's so deep, you can actually look down and see who really runs the city." (Kevin S. Healey)

* "The sinkhole caused the closure of a nearby psychiatric hospital. That's unfortunate--now the MTA engineers will have to relocate their headquarters." (Leslie Coogan)

Comic Jenny Church, on the L.A. councilwoman who says City Hall is full of sexist men: "Why? Because they call Laura, 'Chick'?"

* Adds Perisho: "Laura Chick suggested sensitivity training courses for city councilmen. Mayor Richard Riordan recommended hiring Heidi Fleiss."

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Sly Stallone's upcoming release, "Judge Dredd": "He plays a renegade lawman who's not afraid to play by his own rules. He knows that in the end, the L.A. City Council will look the other way."

*

In the news: Mills, on Gov. Pete telling Larry King he can win the presidency because a British newspaper recently called him "Clinton's worst nightmare": "How can he be? Clinton doesn't live in California."

* Adds comedy writer Tony Peyser: "Because he's not known nationally and his recent medical problems, Wilson is considered a dark hoarse."

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the U.S. Senate voting to keep human operators to run automatic elevators there: "That proves it once and for all--none of them know which way is up."

Jay Leno, on the defeat of Dr. Henry Foster's nomination as surgeon general because of a threatened filibuster by Sen. Phil Gramm: "Foster was unable to work out a deal with Gramm because he's a gynecologist, not a proctologist."

Leno, on research showing that men with low testosterone levels are tougher and more aggressive: "Ladies and gentlemen . . . the next heavyweight champion of the world . . . Michael Jackson."

*

Cirque du O.J.: "Prosecutors claim O.J. stopped taking his anti-inflammatory drugs before trying on the gloves. I don't know--his ego looked just as swollen to me as it always has." (Coogan)

* "A Kansas City judge ruled that Chiefs' running back Marcus Allen cannot be forced to testify in the Simpson case. Marcus didn't want to be the only NFL player going to L.A." (Cutler Rock Comedy)

* "If O.J. walks, Michael Bolton better run." (Peyser)

*

L.A. reader Sue Dreier's daughter Jan returned from her first day of kindergarten and told her mother she was asked what country she lived in. When Mom asked about Jan's answer, the girl said:

"Tis of thee!"

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