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Laugh Lines : Punchlines

August 02, 1995

It's a Small World . . . "Peter Jennings now opens the ABC Evening News by saying, 'Hey there, hi there, ho there.' " (Argus Hamilton)

* "Disney will bring in the team from 'Pocahontas' to somehow animate Ted Koppel." (Alex Pearlstein)

* "How Roseanne will fit in 'The Happiest Place on Earth' is anybody's guess." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* "Only bad news is rumor of an ABC series based on the Disney movie 'Cabin Boy.' " (Tony Peyser)

* "On all future episodes of 'Home Improvement,' Tim Allen must employ the Seven Dwarfs in his workshop." (Bob Mills)

* "Two new additions to ABC's fall line-up: 'Aladdin, P.I.' and 'Hangin' With Mr. Eisner.' " (Harold Washington Jr.)

* "Sorry Mr. Donaldson. We already have a Grumpy." (Cutler)

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Also in the news: Comic Jenny Church, on House Republicans emasculating the Environmental Protection Agency's power: "Environmentalists will still maintain a voice in government. A really high one."

* Adds Church: "Under new rules, Bob Dole will no longer have to file an environmental impact statement if he cracks a smile."

Peyser, on The Newt promising the NRA in writing that no gun-control legislation would be considered in the House as long as he is Speaker: "No wonder he feels so comfortable shooting from the hip."

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on Sunday's memorial service in Detroit marking 20 years since Jimmy Hoffa disappeared: "Later that day, graveside memorials were held in New Jersey, Texas and California."

Mills, on KLSX (FM-97.1) hiring Kato Kaelin to host his own show: "As part of the deal, he'll live rent-free in the guest cottage behind the station."

* Adds reader Dave McDonald: "Will the station be changing its call letters to KDUH?"

Jay Leno, on "Waterworld": "It takes place in the future, where 90% of the planet is covered by water, and the other 10% is covered by Starbucks."

* Adds Leno: "Kevin Costner plays this character who's half man and half fish. Now, what do you do when he dies? Do you bury him or do you flush him down the toilet?"

Cutler, on the new movie "Operation Dumbo Drop": "It's an amusing and true story about secret attempts by the GOP hierarchy in 1992 to get Dan Quayle dumped from the ticket."

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Chili Davis striking a heckler during an Angels game: "The incident sent shock waves through the crowd: A professional athlete actually acknowledging a fan?"

Ray, on the Lollapalooza Tour: "How do police disperse an alternative rock crowd? Offer them jobs. "

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Following the birth of his brother in the hospital, Manhattan Beach reader Josephine Schwartz's 22-month-old grandson, Joshua, wondered how he should greet his new brother for the first time:

"Should we shake hands?"

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