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Laugh Lines : Punchlines

August 03, 1995

You can be sure . . . Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on Westinghouse purchasing CBS: "Officials reassured nervous fans that the one endlessly repeating plot on 'Murder, She Wrote' will not be affected by the sale."

Adds comedy writer Bob Mills: "The new Westinghouse refrigerator-freezer will now dispense either ice or David Letterman's Top 10 list."

Speaking of Dave: Among his Top 10 ways CBS will be different now that Westinghouse owns it:

* Andy Rooney is now dishwasher-safe.

* My first question for each guest will be, "So tell me about your appliances."

* CBS News to add spin cycle.

* "60 Minutes" doing a lot more investigation of that Maytag outfit.

* Five words: "Dr. Quinn, Refrigerator Repair Woman."

*

Also in the news: Jay Leno, on Disney buying ABC: "Michael Eisner says he is confident that one plus one will equal four. Here's a little tip to ABC: I'd count that $19 billion very carefully."

Cutler Daily Scoop, on weather commentators comparing Hurricane Erin to killer Hurricane Andrew: "They said that hurricanes named after females earn only 66% of the respect given to those named after males."

* Adds Leno: "Erin's winds were so strong that they actually knocked a University of Miami football player into a classroom."

* Adds comic Argus Hamilton: "Florida residents had a three-day warning that the storm was coming. They're lucky. If California had a three-day warning on its disasters, 'Waterworld' producers would have been stopped on the way to the pitch meeting."

Cutler, on naming part of the 118 Freeway after Ronald Reagan: "Wouldn't it have been more fitting to make it a toll road and funnel the cash to the Contras?"

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on doctors saying roller coasters cause brain stress and recommending a three-hour wait between rides: "In other words, as soon as you get off Space Mountain, get back in line."

Comic Jenny Church, on postal officials saying they will fire employees who bring a gun to work: "Used to be, they didn't want them reading the magazines. Now they don't want the workers loading them."

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on a study that found no evidence of a single Gulf War disease: "Asked to compare the illnesses to those that soldiers had in Vietnam, a study spokesman argued it was impossible: 'It's apples and Agent Oranges.' "

*

Los Angeles reader Rick Roswell and his family went to see the new movie "Waterworld" last weekend. Near the end of the film, the main characters come out of a fog bank and discover their destination, which looks like a tropical island. Upon seeing this, daughter Caitlin, 9, spoke:

"Boy, they're really in trouble now. That looks like 'Jurassic Park.' "

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