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LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

August 04, 1995

Cirque du O.J.: "Wednesday was Kato Kaelin's first day as a talk radio host. Five minutes into the show and you were praying for a test of the Emergency Broadcast System." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* "Judge Ito celebrated his 45th birthday in chambers. Later, during a sidebar, he agreed to hear oral arguments that he's actually 48." (Bob Mills)

* "Cuts in the LAPD crime lab have left it so poor, it can no longer afford all the pieces to the DNA puzzle." (Brad Halpern)

* "Judge Ito's admonishment to the person who slammed the courtroom doors as he exited: 'Hey, what's the matter with you? Were you raised in a municipal court?' " (Gary Easley)

*

In the news: Cutler, on the GOP beating the Democrats 6-0 in the annual Congressional Softball Game: "A shutout? And you thought the Democrats were only weak on defense."

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on the California Assembly approving Gov. Pete's budget: "It passed only after Wilson assured some members that yes votes didn't count as affirmative action."

Jay Leno, on Janet Reno's explanation that she invaded the Waco compound because David Koresh kept breaking promises: "Boy, if Reno thinks breaking promises justifies an invasion, I'm surprised she hasn't attacked the White House by now."

Mills, on the Pentagon finding no evidence of a Gulf War disease, as claimed by many veterans: "The research also couldn't find any reasonable explanation why the Gulf War failed to win George Bush a second term, as planned."

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the NCAA putting the University of Alabama football program on probation: "It has to be for grade-point padding. Everybody's been wondering how the Crimson Tide kept Forrest Gump eligible for four years."

* Adds comic Jenny Church: "How's the NCAA handling its dirty laundry? Tide in hot water. "

*

It's a small world, redux: "The good news in the Disney-ABC deal is that this could mean more family programming for the network. The bad news is that you probably will have to stand in a long line to watch it." (Leno)

* "Overheard this week in Michael Eisner's office: 'Whatever you do, be sure to hide the MasterCard statement from my wife.' " (KEZY Morning Show)

* "Don't think Eisner will stop with ABC. He's got his eyes on the whole alphabet." (Joe Kevany)

* "President Clinton gave the deal his tacit approval. He and Disney go way back. In fact, Republicans believe that Bill was raised by a kindly Italian toy maker named Gepetto." (Hamilton)

*

When Fullerton reader Lauretta Eckman's grandson, Daniel, 3, overheard his mom and older brother saying bedtime prayers, he yelled from his bedroom:

"As long as you're talking to him, ask him to send Grandpa's dog back."

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