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LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

August 07, 1995

In the news: Comic Jenny Church, on Arianna Huffington criticizing the President for showing off his thighs while jogging: "She doesn't understand that he's competing with a well-known military figure. Not Gen. Colin Powell. Col. Sanders."

Kenny Noble (FM 103.1), on a report that playing the high notes on a French horn can trigger hypertension: "French Horn Hypertension is not to be confused with Saxophone-A-Phobia: fear of a President tooting his own horn."

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Hurricane Erin: "By Friday, it had lost so much of its power that the weather service renamed it Tropical Storm Clinton."

* Adds comic Argus Hamilton: "Florida has asked for cleanup help, and L.A. was first to respond. Just hours after the flooding started, we sent them three of O.J.'s lawyers to sponge everything up."

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Hawaii scientists implanting sonic tracking devices in tiger sharks: "They hope to recover the expensive transmitters at this year's American Bar Assn. convention."

Cutler Daily Scoop, on the NRA blaming a loss of 300,000 members on a $15 dues increase: "Apparently you can put a price on the Second Amendment."

Hamilton, on next week's preseason game between the ex-L.A. Raiders and the ex-L.A. Rams: "Maybe they should call this game the Ex-LAX Bowl."

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Rep. Mel Reynolds, on trial on charges of sexual misconduct with an underage campaign worker: "Their relationship was doomed from the start. When he took her to the Capitol Mall, she was disappointed there wasn't a Gap."

Ray, on the union merger of auto workers, steelworkers and machinists: "Getting each representative to sign the deal was a chore. None of them felt it was part of their job description."

*

Cirque du O.J.: "Judge Ito was surprised to learn his birthday cake was from NBC. He could have sworn it was from defense lawyers. For the past two weeks, they've had egg on their faces." (Brad Halpern)

* "Detective Mark Fuhrman retired Friday from the LAPD, and he received a most fitting going-away present: a plant." (Cutler)

* "Prosecutors got John Gerdes to admit that he's testified so many times for defense lawyers, his suits are now custom-made to accommodate a dorsal fin." (Halpern)

* "Nobel Prize-winning defense witness Kary Mullis has been a proud LSD user. That's fitting since most of the defense is an hallucination." (Cutler)

* "Kato Kaelin was extremely worried how he would appear to his audience on his first day as a talk radio host. He'd heard that the microphone adds 10 pounds to your appearance." (Bill Williams)

*

Camarillo reader Nancy Hudson was watching TV with son Nicholas, 8, on July 4, when an educational bit came on about Betsy Ross. He was unfamiliar with her, so Hudson explained that Ross sewed the first American flag. After a moment, Nicholas asked:

"Did you know her, Mom?"

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