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LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

August 10, 1995

Don Clinton? . . . On Congressman Toby Roth's (R-Wis.) charge that Bill and Hill were part of the "Arkansas Mafia:"

* "How do you know you've been threatened by the Arkansas Mafia? They dump a rusted-out transmission on your front lawn. " (Alex Kaseberg)

* "When this Mafia whacks someone, the victim is said to be 'sleeping with the catfishes.' " (Kaseberg)

* "Bill was never a good Godfather. He'd make someone an offer he'd later take back." (Alan Ray)

* "What's the difference between Clinton and 'The Godfather'? The Godfather had a sequel. " (Jay Leno)

*

That's Entertainment? . . . Leno, on rumors of a sequel to the new movie, "Babe": "It's called 'Babe II: The Honey-Baked Years.' "

Cutler Daily Scoop, on the new book about Barbra Streisand: "It claims that she and Elvis had a fling in 1969. They even planned on doing a musical together: 'The King and Oy .' "

Ray, on the current Elvis Week in Memphis: "You can tell. Around Graceland, all the Elvis flags are being flown at half price."

Comedy writer Stan Kaplan, on Sly Stallone's $60-million, three-movie deal: "His next movie will be filmed near the Vatican, where an audience may be granted--if the Pope can find Sly's hotel."

Kaseberg, on Mike Tyson's six-fight deal with HBO for $36 million: "Or, as Mike prefers to be paid since prison, 1.8 million cartons of cigarettes."

*

Legal Eagles: Cutler, on O.J.'s Dream Team asking for a special prosecutor to investigate whether Mark Fuhrman lied on the stand: "These guys have spent way too much time watching C-SPAN."

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the L.A. City Council approving an ordinance to allow coyote trapping within the city limits: "Council members did insist, however, that all traps be equipped with a safety device that would allow lawyers to free themselves."

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the ABA president's promise of new ethical standards for attorneys: "The convention was suddenly recessed when lawyers heard a car wreck outside the auditorium."

*

A woman was claiming that she was the mistress of the last three Presidents, and that she was still a virgin.

"How can that be?" asked the reporter.

She replied: "Reagan was too old, Bush thought it wouldn't be prudent, and Clinton just sat at the side of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."

-- Dave Dobrin, Westchester

*

Torrance reader Eileen Haussmann's granddaughter, Amy Jackson, 7, was trying to put together a puzzle when her sister Kerri, 10, intruded. "Here, let me do it," Kerri said. "I'm a genius." Amy replied:

"Oh yeah? Then where's your lamp?"

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