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LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

October 19, 1995

In the news: Cutler Daily Scoop, on Bob Dole admitting his campaign made a mistake in returning a contribution from a gay Republican group: "He finally realized that cash has no sexual preference."

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention advising those over age 65 to get flu shots: "Inoculations will be available to ward off two Type-A viruses, one Type-B virus and several of the GOP's Medicare proposals."

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on Jacoby suing Meyers to end their law partnership: "They were finished for good when Jacoby spotted Meyers chasing ambulances with Larry Parker."

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on newly selected Queen Keli Hutchins sharing Rose Parade honors with Grand Marshal Kermit the Frog: "Asked what she was most nervous about, Hutchins said, 'Warts!' "

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on "Hooked on Phonics" going into Chapter 11: "If the program was really that good, shouldn't the company be up to at least Chapter 24 by now?"

Comedy writer Paul Ecker, on former Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders getting her own talk show: "Let's give her a hand."

*

Fore . . . Comedy writer Dave Margolis, on O.J. golfing Tuesday in Florida: "When he hit one ball in the rough, Johnnie Cochran immediately claimed that it had been planted there by a rogue caddy."

* Adds Kenny Noble (FM 103.1): "True to form, O.J.'s ball frequently landed in an unplayable lie."

Noble, on the Indians and the Braves in the World Series: "Russell Means is not a happy camper."

* Adds Cutler: "Interestingly enough, ABC baseball announcer Brent Musburger's Native American name is Speaking Bull."

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the Yankees signing pitcher Dwight Gooden: "Despite his age, the team figures he's still got some great stuff. And he keeps it in a pouch in his locker."

* Adds Cutler: "First Steve Howe and Darryl Strawberry, now Doc Gooden. This team has gone through more white powder than Picabo Street."

*

Louie, Louie: Comic Argus Hamilton, on Louis Farrakhan threatening to sue park police for allegedly undercounting the "Million Man March": "And after all the cops did for him. They spent the whole next day crawling around the podium helping him look for his marbles."

* Adds comic/presidential candidate Pat Paulsen: "Farrakhan says there were 1.2 million, but official estimates were 400,000. That's once again proof that 'White Men Can't Count.' "

* Adds comedy writer Russ Myers: "Farrakhan may be trying to repair his relationship with Jewish leaders, but I don't think he should refer to himself as 'the million man mensch .' "

*

Dining with their family at an Italian restaurant, Torrance readers Clark and Jill Adams looked around the table and couldn't find any Parmesan cheese. Finally, daughter Hayley, 7, surmised:

"Maybe it's because we're sitting in coach."

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